Good jokes

Two peanuts walk into a bar.. A big fight breaks out.. One was a salted (assaulted ) lmao.. I love the corny ones

who makes more money a hooker or drug dealer? A hooker she can wash her crack and reuse it

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.".

Who is the head of the corn family?

POPcorn!!!!

Corny I know, but it made me laugh at the pumpkin patch

"I was banging this sexy lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my Husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day!"
LOLOLOLOL !!!
peace
PK

Superman was bored one day and was flying around the city when He saw with his x-ray eyes...Wonderwoman, in her apartment, lying on her back, in bed, all naked with her legs apart.
So in a flash he swooped in an open window, made love to her and then quicker than lightning...flew off.
"what was that?!?!" asked Wonderwoman.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man on top of her, "But my ass hurts like Hell !!!"


LOLOLOLOL
Peace
PK

YUP!!!
Peace
PK

A husband died, a few years later the wife died...As she got to Heaven she saw her husband and ran to him with tears in her eyes...Darling, how Iv'e missed you!!! The husband extended his arms stopping her from embracing him and says " Whoa there woman, the contract was until death"...

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of each... "They won't wash off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until the tests come back... A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots...
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy, there's no problem... But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold..."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him his penis has turned bright orange. The doctor asks to see it and sure enough the man's penis is a very bright orange color. The doctor begins to ask a lot of questions regarding medication and diet with no luck. He then begins to ask about the man's life and activities. The man answers no to every single question, finally exasperated the doctor says "what do you do in your life?" The man answers "not much, mostly sit around the house, watch porn and eat Cheetos."

A woman was having health issues and went to the doctors. They ran a bunch of tests and told her they would call in a few days with the results. 3 days later her husband answered the phone and it was the doctor. The doctor said Im sorry but there was a mix up with some of our test results. We do know that your wife either has alzheimers or aids. The husband said thats terrible. How are we supposed to know for sure? The doctor said take her for a ride and drop her off somewhere. If she finds her way back dont fuck her.

I went by the Chevrolet Dealership in town yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new feel before they become extinct.
The salesman (a man wearing an Hillary lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest to him. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Trump truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... dang guy had no sense of humor.
Everyone have a blessed evening!!

Paddy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn’t fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Paddy puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on… everyone is naked! “Cool!”
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Sarah, but can’t find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleagues, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Paddy then says, “Feckin great, I just paid fifty quid for these, and they’re already broken!”............

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. . The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it