Secrets & Lies

I don't openly let many people know what I do in regards to the hobby,but I don't really have to lie about it either.My wife is a few years older than me and sex left our marriage years ago,first because of menopause, then she got sick and simply can't be intimate,so for years I have had permission to do what I need to do to satisfy my needs as long as discretion is used.At first I just pretty much did without except for the occasional hook up with an ex, but since I learned how to hobby a few months ago it has been game on since then!The understanding I have with my wife is pretty much don't ask,don't tell. Originally Posted by Riverstud

So how did this come up in conversation. I have much the same situation but I just can't figure out how to bring this up. I would love to be open about my hobby to my wife who I love dearly but the risk of failure means complete failure.

I looked through recent posts and didn't see this topic, if I missed it, feel free to provide a link.

That said, most of us in "the hobby" ( I hate that term), to some degree, must keep secrets and lies. Secrets from family, coworkers, etc. And lie to account for money (coming in or out, etc).

My question, is does this wear on you at all, or do you thrive on the intrigue?

I usually thrive on the intrigue of my situation(s), but I must admit...as a normally open and honest person...it starts to get to me.

I hate going out on a date with a man and not being able to be honest about my life. I hate having to pretend to be poorer than I am at my regular job and to some degree, to my family. I'm not complaining, but I'd like to get some other viewpoints about our Secret Lives... Originally Posted by LilMynx69

It wears on me but not for the obvious reasons, and that is something I won't discuss on a site like this. If I were married or otherwise involved with another woman, this lifestyle would make me feel guilty for any number of reasons, mostly because I would view myself as a failure to my wife, or SO, for being here. Yet, that is not an issue for me since I am happily a bachelor, and have no plans to be like that in the foreseeable future... as in years from now.

As for who knows that I am here, its just me and I am good with that. I have a good life and make all that I need to take care of my vices after my bills are paid. My family does not need to know although a sibling has a slight inkling if they think about things that have happened to me.

So Miss Mynx, I am in a smaller group than most here. While I can do the intrigue and compartmentalize with the best of them, this lifestyle would wear on me if I had a wife or SO because of the kind of person I really am. I don't lie to my family since they never ask, and I just don't tell them which is not lying by omission. I am glad that I do not have the concern of a wife or SO snooping or relying on me while the babe in the kitchen is boiling bunnies in a pot.

Seriously, who needs intrigue, secrets, lies and damn lies when you have a crazed females that want you so much that boiled bunnies are meted out in your name...

I would definitely have to say it used to. A long time ago (7-8 years ago actually) I maintained a complete separation. I would lie by omission to my family with the statement that I modeled. Which in all fairness I did. I simply didn't make my income off of modeling. Lied to clients. About everything. How tall I was, what my weight was, even my interests in the effort to acclimate to their desires further. One day (quite a cranky day I might add) I woke up and simply said "nope" I doffed the disguise. Offered my family the truth and the option to bow out. I altered my perception and instead of selling a "fantasy" to clients. I offered more of the "best of Jaycee" all me just not the unpleasant parts of me.

As I don't have an avid social life outside of the hobby (by choice) I simply don't have the pressure to hide anything anymore. Of course I don't shake the mailman's hand and state "Hi I am Jaycee Rivers, local companion and ex porn star" either.

Only times I ever have to stumble is at the doctors or dentists when they casually ask (with a spit sucker conveniently tucked in my mouth) "what do you do for a living?" Usually I manage to maintain myself and go back to my lie by omitting "I model" (I still model) On occasion though, being out of practice, I fumble like a star trek chick without her glasses trying to catch a ball thrown from the other side of the football field.

Thanks for some more great posts, Phantom and Jaycee!

Most people outside of the hobby do not understand why we would go to such extreme lengths to be secretive about our involvement in this type of lifestyle. There are many who blindly assume that we do not truly love our SOs or that our relationships are built on lies. For some this may be true, but for most of the men that I've had the opportunity to speak to, PM, or email, they seem pretty genuine and in love with their SOs / wives. I truly, with all of my heart, love my family. I am able to distinguish the difference between the physical act of having sex and the love I have for my wife.

For me, like most, seeing providers stemmed from a slowing down or lack of intimacy at home. As my children started to get older, my sex life began to dwindle. My SO and I lead very busy lives with competing work schedules coupled with our commitments to our children's hobbies and extracurricular activities. This leaves us pretty much spent on a regular basis, which directly impacts our sex life. I have seen many providers to fill this void in my life.

As I continue to move forward with my involvement with this hobby, I think it is driven by both the need for physical intimacy, as well as the excitement of knowing that what I am doing is consider morally or socially unacceptable. I mean let's be honest, the thrill of meeting someone for the first time and sharing something so intimate is very exciting. I would however, love to meet someone that could be a LTR UTR. I think it would be nice to have someone to be able to have more deep conversations rather than just small / pillow talk.

Overall, I love the excitement and physicality that the hobby brings into my life. You just have to be able to separate the physical act of having sex with a provider with the art making love with your SO.

As my children started to get older, my sex life began to dwindle. Originally Posted by NTFunGuy

Sucks when they start to fight back, doesn't it?

On the serious topic, I definitely get off on the thrill and the danger of the hobby. I enjoyed it so much more when it was looking for SW's from my car. As I'm advocating full honesty, I'll say it bothers me when a provider is having as much fun as I am yet I am paying for companionship. Now I don't want to demean her and I don't think of her as a lesser entity. But I'm an intelligent, decent looking guy in decent shape who can converse on most topics and behave in such a way that those around me feel good about themselves. Any provider who offers me the same probably has a greater income than I do and that ruins the dynamic for me. Maybe that's shitty of me but it is true.

As I read through this thread I encountered a few posts, and I refuse to single anyone out, where I see self-deception. That's the worst kind.

I hate that I can't talk about this. I tried with a friend but he doesn't get it. He'll spend ten times my hobby budget traveling around seeing the same rock band over and over but he can't get the idea of spending $ on a different sexual experience. I think he needs to look in the mirror and be more honest with himself. But he brings that out of me too, which is why he's a friend; by talking with him I ask myself many questions about my home life and this venture and not all my self-justifications are honest. Helps me determine what I need to do.

A severely honest disappointment to me is that I can't seem to let my guard down to anyone here. I suspect the only way to find the real ladies out there is to join a clique and I'm not capable of the trust. Some of that is deserved, some on me.

This is a nice thread.

Most people outside of the hobby do not understand why we would go to such extreme lengths to be secretive about our involvement in this type of lifestyle. There are many who blindly assume that we do not truly love our SOs or that our relationships are built on lies. For some this may be true, but for most of the men that I've had the opportunity to speak to, PM, or email, they seem pretty genuine and in love with their SOs / wives. I truly, with all of my heart, love my family. I am able to distinguish the difference between the physical act of having sex and the love I have for my wife.

For me, like most, seeing providers stemmed from a slowing down or lack of intimacy at home. As my children started to get older, my sex life began to dwindle. My SO and I lead very busy lives with competing work schedules coupled with our commitments to our children's hobbies and extracurricular activities. This leaves us pretty much spent on a regular basis, which directly impacts our sex life. I have seen many providers to fill this void in my life.

As I continue to move forward with my involvement with this hobby, I think it is driven by both the need for physical intimacy, as well as the excitement of knowing that what I am doing is consider morally or socially unacceptable. I mean let's be honest, the thrill of meeting someone for the first time and sharing something so intimate is very exciting. I would however, love to meet someone that could be a LTR UTR. I think it would be nice to have someone to be able to have more deep conversations rather than just small / pillow talk.

Overall, I love the excitement and physicality that the hobby brings into my life. You just have to be able to separate the physical act of having sex with a provider with the art making love with your SO. Originally Posted by NTFunGuy

I think your situation at home and love for your wife is not at all uncommon. Thank you for your honest post.

Your post brings up a point I've been pondering of late. You talk of your desire for deeper conversation. It's an interesting thought in the context of this secretive "hobby."

I tend to meet men (people, actually) who very quickly open up to me and share some very deep, intimate feelings. I am also able to reciprocate. To me, this is a major part of true intimacy. I am not sure I could ever really be into having hot sex with someone I didn't talk to for at least an hour and really get inside his head.

That said, is there really a place for that in "the hobby," or does this cross boundaries that shouldn't be crossed?

I should probably start a new thread that's been rumbling around in my head about IOP vs. AP (actual passion).

A severely honest disappointment to me is that I can't seem to let my guard down to anyone here. I suspect the only way to find the real ladies out there is to join a clique and I'm not capable of the trust. Some of that is deserved, some on me.

This is a nice thread. Originally Posted by JohnnyCap

This is exactly what I was talking about...the ability to let your guard down with someone in the hobby.

Great minds think alike (and apparently type at the same time).

I like this thread, too. This and my Sight Unseen thread have been most illuminating to me...

I really feel for those who have to lie about this part of their life. I've never had to largely due to the matriarchal role I've played in my family. While they aren't aware of the particulars (moniker, rates, etc), they know that I'm smart and whatever decisions I've made for my life, they respect. I'm not saying that I haven't had those long conversations about why I'm not married, and my take on relationships, because I have. But they've come to understand the woman I am.

As for dating, I have so much going on in my real life, I never have a shortage of things to say. Tiffani probably makes up about 15-20% of my life, so it's not so much as being dishonest as it is just not talking about it. I always recommend that ladies in this industry set goals, discover new interests, so that they don't have to lie about who they really are. Your role in this industry should always be in conjunction with self improvement and development.

Great thread as usual, Ms. Mynx!

I always enjoy your viewpoint Ms Tiffani. Thank you.

Fascinating thread.

I am among the numerous posters in this thread who loves his wife, who is my best friend, and with whom the sex is still very good. Better yet, we are children of the 60s and have had an agreement since before we married that either of us can play if it is done so discreetly and not with friends, neighbors, or coworkers.

I agree with parts of many comments in here. I emphatically agree with the notion that seeing other women can enable fantasy fulfillment the SO would not be comfortable with, and prevents resentment from developing on either part. My wife and I have lovely, very vanilla sex, but outlets for other urges is necessary for me to be as happy as I can be.

One thing which I don't believe I've seen said, and which is important to me, is the simple opportunity to enjoy getting to know women other than my wife, sometimes in a rather intimate way. I have always thought it a shame that marriage effectively cuts us off from intimate relationships with anyone of the opposite sex. It seems to me that the only socially acceptable way to relate intimately to someone of the opposite sex (or same sex for gays and lesbians) after marriage is within the context of couples, or with a co-worker as long as it stays in the workplace. I happen to like the company of women better than the company of men for the most part, and I have gotten to know some ladies who are highly intelligent and very interesting people.