Whats the big deal with BDSM?

Alright all you BDSMers out there. What is it about BDSM that makes it erotic?

I simply cant wrap my head around it. To me anything extra besides touching kissing and penetration detracts from the sexual experience. Even wearing earings, jewelry etc to me lessens it.

I saw one provider that does it and she talked a bit about all the different things you can do and the only thing that slightly peaked my curiosity was getting a BJ with the violet wand. But I figured once your pecker got popped with a good jolt of electricity it would kill whatever sexual thoughts you have and put an instant endo to a hard on.

I can see where wanting to inflicting pain on someone can come from but not in the erotic sense. More like serial killer hate the world and everything in it sort of way.

From the few videos of seen of people engaging in it I just dont see the appeal of it. To me its more funny than erotic.

Different strokes for different folks....Its all about the pleasure and how you want to achieve it....lifes to short not to explore it all....

I think a lot of the guys would try bondage and domination, but SM is mentally ill. There is not a person in the world that I would allow to tie me up.

Wow.... The thought of being spanked, tied up, teased, toyed with turns me on just thinking about it!! It is all a combo of power play, giving up control or knowing someone else is trusting you in this way.....Such a extreme mental mind fuck Also some of the best "O's" I have ever had due to the prolonged build up of emotion, anticipating every touch- I love roleplay and to explore different play then the norm...Gosh I think you guys are missing out- you only live once remember? Now someone come tie me up and spank my ass=}

BDSM

Many of the most common sexual roleplays involve a power differential and form part of the dominance and submission aspect of BDSM. Roles can be general designations of power positions, or very specific, detailed fantasies. Some people, such as those living the Gorean lifestyle make use of an entire imaginary world. The controlling player is often called the top or dominant while the controlled individual is called the bottom or submissive.
There are a number of scenarios which may be played out, including:
Ageplay – is a form of roleplaying in which an individual acts and/or treats another as if they were a different age. The practice can be regressive, in which the goal is to re-experience childhood, or sexual, recreating a sexual relationship with people of the pretend and/or true ages. Generally this can involve someone pretending to be younger than they actually are, but more rarely can involve assuming an older role.
Animal-play – where a player is treated as a non-human animal such as a dog or pony.
Master-slave – where a player is treated as the property of the master/mistress.
Torturer/Captive prisoner – where one player is a captor who abuses the other.
Kidnapped fantasy – The submissive player is bound (rope, duct tape, bondage tape, handcuffs, etc.) and gagged (duct tape gag, bondage tape gag, cleave gag, ball gag, etc.) and teased before the sexual act.
Authority figure/Misbehaving Adult – where a player takes on the role of an authority figure and blackmails or humiliates his or her partner into sexual activity.
Gender-play – where one or more players take on roles of the opposite sex.
Goddess worship – where a woman is seen as a pagan deity.
Hospital fantasies – involving doctors, nurses and patients.
Uniform fetish – one participant dresses in uniform (for instance as a student, cheerleader, French maid, etc.), while the dominant participant plays an authority figure (a parent, teacher, coach, police officer, etc.).
Rape fantasy or a ravishment where one player feigns being coerced into an unwelcome sex act.
Owner/Inanimate object – such as the bottom being human furniture.
Prison fetish – Situational play set in a prison environment. While it can include authority play, it does not limit itself to the Master/slave paradigm; but expands the opportunities to include non-authority play between equals (such as cell mate love affairs). Prison role playing is able to combine equality and authority play depending upon the situation and the specific roles of individual players. A prison fetish play session includes all sexual orientations and limits itself only by the environment / situations agreed to by the participates. Given real life prisons are same-sex communities, this fetish does lend itself to male on male or female on female activities and settings. Opposite gender play is also possible between inmates and guards or when the setting includes a co-ed facility / institution. Prison play is also an expansion of the uniform fetish by use of inmate, guard, and staff uniforms.
Sexologist Gloria Brame lists a number of these scenarios.[1]
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I will say I didnt " Get It" until I saw real people having real sessions. I saw how the Dom/Top took care of his Sub/Bottom. Yes he was in control BUT hes was doing EVERYTHING to give her pleasure. In my role as a Sexual Sensual Mistress, I take the control, so you may relax and enjoy. It all about me giving you pleasure. You have no guilt,no need to hold back as your worried about my pleasure as it is I whom is commanding you. By giving me this control I am able to allow you to fulfill your fantasies. Whether it is just to have a woman seduce you, or to wear panties, or a full blown scene of me using restraints on you and teasing you, bringing you to the mind blowing Tantric Os. It is a very personal choice as your fantasy is all your own. To each his own, as we have no reason to judge others..............Life is to short not to have fun!!

Ms Athena explained damn near everything, but there are varying degrees of all levels of play.

Bondage can be anything from pantycuffs to stainless steel and shibari.
Domination can encompass anything from gentle pats on the ass to caning.
Agreed, the Sado-Masochistic part requires a bit of a prior comfort level, but overall, BDSM requires the ability and willingness to expound on previous comfort levels.

It's meant to challenge a person's need to be in control of every aspect of a sensual situation. As far as the violet wand is concerned, that's something you always start on a very low setting. If you're too worried about being tasered in the balls, it won't be fun. Finding someone that's experienced and that you feel comfortable letting go with is imperative when it comes to experimenting and trying new things.

I agree TJ that there many different levels of BDSM from soft core tease and denial to mild flogging to full blown take my ass to a whole new level scenario...It's still kink at various stages an progressions...but no matter what there has to be that undeniable trust between the participants. Control is control over someone else's desires and should be considered in any level of role play and should be relinquished when a line has been met or crossed. BDSM in the porn industry portrays it differently than what I have personally experienced and that is probably due to what I want and what my partner wants...

Is fantasy/role playing a part of BDSM? I enjoy certain role playing but don't consider it BDSM. My impression of BDSM is completely different than what Ms Athena described. My impression is that the dom/top is not interested in "taking care" the sub/bottom. To me, the whole point was for the dom to humiliate the sub. That's one reason I've been hesitant to venture into the DBSM world even though I have some warped attraction to it. I've never fully dived into it; although, I've been curious and have looked for a "Mistress" at times. One thing I've found out though is that some of the "Mistresses" see the relationship as non-sexual. I find that to be a bit odd.

Is fantasy/role playing a part of BDSM? I enjoy certain role playing but don't consider it BDSM. My impression of BDSM is completely different than what Ms Athena described. My impression is that the dom/top is not interested in "taking care" the sub/bottom. To me, the whole point was for the dom to humiliate the sub. That's one reason I've been hesitant to venture into the DBSM world even though I have some warped attraction to it. I've never fully dived into it; although, I've been curious and have looked for a "Mistress" at times. One thing I've found out though is that some of the "Mistresses" see the relationship as non-sexual. I find that to be a bit odd. Originally Posted by Cpalmson

Role play is a big part of BDSM play, but not necessarily associated with it. When you or her has a situation you want to encounter, it feeds the activities to follow. She really doesn't have a reason to be mad at you unless she thinks of you as a mean boss or a bad little puppy, or a chauvinist going in for a colonoscopy (hehehe). Role play in any sensual scenario serves to make things interesting.

What you see in porn is some men's fantasies. Every Domina has her own personality, and every submissive is attracted to a different one. When it comes to being a Dominant, she is taking care of a need for the exchange of power. It's trust at it's highest peak.

To explain FemDom would be another thread. In essence, there has to be an attraction, something unattainable, something you're willing to pay any cost to get. You're willing to do anything to be in her presence, even be embarrassed, or even hurt for her amusement. Your level of pain is always respected, and sometimes expounded upon. The point of humiliation is to er, well, humble you. To bring you face to face with your imperfections. Since conquest is in your nature, and to 'hit it' is the ultimate victory, there is usually no sex in a Domme/sub relationship, because then the sub would win, and the attraction is gone. But with Hybrid Dominas such as myself, Ms. Athena and others, since it's a temporary game, everything is negotiable.

Being new to being submissive would mean that things are taken very slow. Training starts at almost a vanilla level, and is very similar to a dance. She has to ensnare you in some way. I suggest you talk to a Hybrid Domina SERIOUSLY, and work out a training plan. If that's something you're really willing to explore.

Most of this has been covered by Ms. Athena and Tiffani. However, as an active player in all things BDSM (as a top/dom only), I find that it is extremely difficult for me to truly let go and play with a provider. We have to build up the trust and get to that point which takes more than just 1 hour sessions. Not to mention generally not having the down time/recovery period that is required afterwards to make it safe and sane.

For me though, a huge portion of BDSM play is getting someone to submit so completely to me, to trust me with their life and well being (mentally and physically) and then using that to push the limits of what they think they are capable of. I still use bits of this part of me even when I am not actively participating in a scene. Just because you aren't tied up doesn't mean I cant overpower you when you try and pull away from cumming too much. A smaller (and yet still major) portion of it is the ego trip, the knowledge that I got someone to do something, behave a particular way, and to cum so much that they will never forget me.

I think a lot of the guys would try bondage and domination, but SM is mentally ill. There is not a person in the world that I would allow to tie me up. Originally Posted by FlectiNonFrangi

And that kind of stuff is why BDSM has a bad wrap. What YOU find to be "mentally ill" someone else completely consents to and may in fact prefer. A general rule in the community is "Do what YOU are comfortable with." No is no, rules are rules. Don't let someone push you into doing something you don't want to and if they do, you never see them again. Period. I would argue to the end of time that a healthy (don't let people pawn off "abuse" under the guise of BDSM) BDSM relationship is significantly stronger than those who do not participate in it.

You can more easily fuck up someones head worse than you can physically hurt them. Imagine being tied up to the point of being helpless, used as a sexual object, then left alone completely. That does some serious mental damage (you could argue rape). However, imagine the same scenario with a top (dom) who cares about their bottom (sub) and afterwards, caresses them, talks to them, brings them water, washes them in the shower. That bond is stronger, hands down. The physical reward is greater as well.

Of course, this is all my opinion and should be taken as such.

I can see where wanting to inflicting pain on someone can come from but not in the erotic sense. More like serial killer hate the world and everything in it sort of way. Originally Posted by pinchy

What you have to realize is that we are still talking chemistry. Both pain and pleasure release endorphins but for different reasons. Pain releases is so that you stop feeling the pain, only a glow. Pleasure is a reward for doing what were supposed to do....breed. Inflicting pain on someone in a scene, its nearly immediately dulled thats why we have various tools/toys to change up the style and placement of the pain so that the body keeps releasing more and more. At a certain point, you can orgasm on command, without even being touched. Being touched with even a fingertip...or hair...can be more excruciating than a flog or cane.

Slapping a woman's ass while going at it doggie has a two fold effect. Not only does it release additional endorphins from the pain, it also makes her contract. This effect can be used as a focal point as well. For example, at a certain point the sub will stop being able to form coherent thoughts, to count, to say shes okay, etc. When she has too much pleasure, pick a spot (you can use anything, I generally use either a breast, the inner thigh, or her cheek) and slap it with a few fingers a few times....it gives her something to focus on and break her out of it at least momentarily.

If it's something simple, like being restrained, it could be the submissive in you coming out by transfering the power to another.

If it's something simple, like having hot wax dropped on your body (chest, nipples, abs, cock and balls), it could be the submissive in you seeking some short-term pain of a type that rarely leaves marks.

If it's something simple, like being tied to a St. Andrews cross for a good lashing, it could be the submissive in you seeking release in the form of sensations that will let you forget (for a moment) the cruelties of events in your life (perhaps you're a nurse in a childrens cancer ward, or a guard on Death Row).

Different strokes for different folks.

Fuck that ... I get enough S&M treatment at work.

The real reason being: it's fun!

But I will be the first to admit its a HUGE ego trip when I make a white man my bitch. I'm on cloud 9 for weeks as I hunt for more prey.