When do you say something, and when do you keep quiet?

This happened to a friend of a friend of mine - actually a woman I hardly know who emailed me as she knows I do similar arrangements.

She has a multi-year arrangement with a very wealthy man long ago retired. He has always had a second lady, but he and the second lady had a falling out, so now he's looking for a new one.

He has a date with the new "understudy". The new lady contacts his mistress after their first date, sending an email saying "Enjoy it while it lasts, he'll be mine! No more trips around the world for you!"

Does she say nothing to him? Does she forward the email?

She doesn't want to start drama, and does not feel threatened.

The question seems to be, as a gent, would you want to know?

*Addition*

I suggested forwarding the email with no additional comments.

The question seems to be, as a gent, would you want to know? Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

Hell yes.

This is going to end badly one way or another. I'd rather have it in front of me at the beginning to minimize the damage and hurt feelings that will inevitably occur on one side or the other.

Cheers,
Mazo.

Hell yes.

This is going to end badly one way or another. I'd rather have it in front of me at the beginning to minimize the damage and hurt feelings that will inevitably occur on one side or the other. Originally Posted by Mazomaniac

I wholeheartedly agree.

Also agree. Certainly over the several years they've known each other they've developed an ability for open discussion.

Yes, i would have done the same as you suggested , Lauren. Forward the email. Question: how did the new mistress know about the old one?
some people just love to play games. This sounds very much like it. Screams like manipulation. I would forward the mail and answer the mistress too. But that`s me. I have a big mouth :-). Some might just keep quiet, but in this case why should she?

I suggested forwarding the email with no additional comments. Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

Word!

Tough call, Lauren. I may be split about what to do as well. However, I do not particularly enjoy being the contrarian in the room- but I would likely hit delete, and let it go. We all must learn our lessons, sometimes even the hard way. The house of cards will eventually topple down with the slightest breath of air, anyway- with a person of such character! I'll throw a little bit of "Tennessee" out for you to catch... "A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace." Difficult to follow, and scares me to death, but I believe Mr. Williams to be correct and rather applicable.

Yes, i would have done the same as you suggested , Lauren. Forward the email. Question: how did the new mistress know about the old one?
some people just love to play games. This sounds very much like it. Screams like manipulation. I would forward the mail and answer the mistress too. But that`s me. I have a big mouth :-). Some might just keep quiet, but in this case why should she? Originally Posted by ninasastri

Strictly an opinion:

Didn't ask how the other lady knows. One of my "husbands" sees other women frequently, and nearly all of the other women know that Lauren Summerhill is his mistress. He chooses to tell them and I am personally not bothered by it, as most of the women have been curious and kind to me.

Why should she not answer?

Because this shouldn't be about the mistresses pride, and answering the other woman would be about her pride. Does the mistress want to be right, or does she want to make her man happy? I assume it would be the latter. The other woman is looking for a fight, and by answering it, she gives her the fight she wants. It adds fuel to the fire, and means that this will continue. You want to suffocate a bad situation as fast as possible, and her silence suffocates it - it will tell the other woman that as hard as she tries, the mistress will not react. As such the other women will likely get bored and leave her alone. Why stoop to her level?

I read a saying on ASPD once: If you roll in the mud with pigs, you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

I think it would be an abject failure to show the other woman the wrong in her ways. It is not appropriate for her to try to fix people, it is not her duty to make the blind see. Bad people will flounder through life, and there's no reason to burn yourself in a task that is ultimately hopeless. You can't fix stupid.

His best interest should come first and foremost, part of her role as his mistress to be the guardian of his peace of mind. Engaging her does not consider his peace of mind. It is in his best interest that this not explode into a fight between his mistress and another woman. I'm sure that would cause him a great deal of grief, embarrassment and frustration. The more that occurs, the more it will be emotionally burdensome to the gentleman. I imagine he would be extremely grateful that she handled the situation as peacefully as possible, and would reinforce that he made a good decision in choosing her to be a mistress.

He engaged the other woman personally, I am certain that he is concerned for his mistress' well being and happiness or there would be no long term arrangement - so as a good man, he will protect and defend her honour as he sees fit, within the limits of his comfort. To be honest I feel he shouldn't bring up the letter to his mistress, just cut the crazy woman off and do some window shopping.

Tough call, Lauren. I may be split about what to do as well. However, I do not particularly enjoy being the contrarian in the room- but I would likely hit delete, and let it go. We all must learn our lessons, sometimes even the hard way. The house of cards will eventually topple down with the slightest breath of air, anyway- with a person of such character! I'll throw a little bit of "Tennessee" out for you to catch... "A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace." Difficult to follow, and scares me to death, but I believe Mr. Williams to be correct and rather applicable. Originally Posted by Claudia Cole

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

In her shoes, if she turned out to be a nightmare, I would feel terrible that I hadn't warned him at the first sign of trouble. And to be honest, if things went wrong for him later, would have to fess up the email that she sent. To which he would likely say "Why didn't you tell me?"

I have had one mistress arrangement end poorly. Since that one, I have always made a point of insisting on transparency between me and the gentlemen.

Still, you have a point...

I read a saying on ASPD once: If you roll in the mud with pigs, you both get dirty and the pig likes it. Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

I've posted it a few times here and heard it from a buddy many years ago on a listserv flamefest (there's a bit of irony unto itself): "It's like wreslting with a pig: you both get dirty and the pig likes it."

I would do exactly as you suggested Lauren, forward with no note.

It is difficult for your friend to know exactly what prompted the note...did the man say something that was misunderstood by this woman that has her thinking it's a competition that she going to win? Since she has no idea, better not to comment and just forward. I don't see the point in asking her anything when she has been so rude.

C xxxxxxx

If I were the gent in question I would prefer the lady delete the note. Eventually the understudy would show her true nature and that would be that. I would like to think that if I had a "mistress" type of arrangement that a newcomer would not be able to affect it.

sounds to me like she is baiting her for drama. Im with discreetgent, delete it

Strictly an opinion:

Didn't ask how the other lady knows. One of my "husbands" sees other women frequently, and nearly all of the other women know that Lauren Summerhill is his mistress. He chooses to tell them and I am personally not bothered by it, as most of the women have been curious and kind to me.

Why should she not answer?

Because this shouldn't be about the mistresses pride, and answering the other woman would be about her pride. Does the mistress want to be right, or does she want to make her man happy? I assume it would be the latter. The other woman is looking for a fight, and by answering it, she gives her the fight she wants.. Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

you are right with that. And with the mud and the pigs :-) . But sometimes for example if someone puts dirt on me i am in the mood to throw back. I once had my revenge that way. I got put into mud and one year later i had my revenge. You could call that the game of mud and pigs but for me it was proofing a point, the point that no one is allowed to play games with me without getting the answer he/she deserves. So an answer would be appropriate if the other woman continues to do what she does. Now? Forwarding the mail should do it. But be careful with that too. Some manipulative women or men might see that as something that "old" mistress invented to punish new mistress and it might backfire. Seen that happen too. When you are surrounded by people that play games , being the only one who doesn`t might make you the most evil of all :-)).

Anyway, what happens to discretion? I think mistresses should be discreete. I see that lacking on every occassion. I have a stalker because of that :-(. Some women don`t know why they even have a second persona. They should right away just take their real name since they tell it anyway to everyone :-). I had a client turned ex BF who also fed almost every detail about me (and what i did in bed with him and about our connection) to his new freebie mistress (including name and whatever). Its disgusting. But beware you do that to him and his wife . oh gosh :-).
I don`t think its appropriate from clients to talk about their mistresses, and he should have never told this new woman about the "old" one.

I think he is a guy who needs desperate attention and keeping two women on their toes by making them jealous about each other keeps the game going.Blaming it all on the woman or the mistress would be shortsigthed. I don`t know what caused the fallout but it smells too much like revenge to me. Who knows what part he played in this game?


Its a game and obviously the client and the new mistress have found each other in playing by the same rules (which are offensive).
I think forwarding the email is a good idea, and then refrain from any contact with both of them, i think this is the best idea. I think mistress pride plays a secondary role to that anyways. I think it has nothing to do with it. Its different things going on here. Its a typical heteronormative "i am so much better than you and replace your position" game. Its painful and disgusting. And its painful to see women participating in it against each other :-(.

:

Anyway, what happens to discretion? I think mistresses should be discreet. I see that lacking on every occassion. I have a stalker because of that :-(. Some women don`t know why they even have a second persona. They should right away just take their real name since they tell it anyway to everyone :-). I had a client turned ex BF who also fed almost every detail about me (and what i did in bed with him and about our connection) to his new freebie mistress (including name and whatever). Its disgusting. But beware you do that to him and his wife . oh gosh :-).
I don`t think its appropriate from clients to talk about their mistresses, and he should have never told this new woman about the "old" one. Originally Posted by ninasastri

Amazing. You took the words right out of my mouth.