The Buzz Kill Post...

Not sure if this is the right forum or not, but was hoping to find some advice and insight from the ladies here who might have dealt with intimacy after breast cancer. (Here's the buzz kill part...) All cards on the table, I've experimented in the hobby for a while and have met some amazing women but my real passion is still with my S.O. She's a 5 year breast cancer survivor (Stage 3 @ diagnosis, double mastectomy and 12 months chemo) and after surviving she's found a new appreciation for life...in all aspects but our love life. Something has changed...physically...and now she experiences severe pain whenever we have tried just about anything. Her words: "My sex life has cheated me and I've lost faith in it." So we don't. For 5 years. Nada. Bupkus. Zilch. Zero. Just about everything else in our lives is great - but I'm not ready to give it up. I still have cravings like I'm 18 again and there's only so many cold showers you can take, you know? I just don't want to lose her...literally, physically, emotionally...

So anyway, this isn't a sympathy play. Honestly. Surely many couples have gone through the same thing before and have worked through it. I'm just hoping someone on here might have some similar experiences - either themselves or someone they are close with - that they can share that might be an option. The heaping mounds of pure BS we've gotten from doctors and the internet over the years have been useless. My hope is that someone on here who maybe has a more healthy and open view of sexuality might be a better resource. Never hurts to ask, right?

Anyway, apologies for the long post and for the utter pall I'm sure this topic brings to a place meant to be about exactly the opposite type of the human experience. PMs from anyone willing to share some guidance and perspective would be truly appreciated.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...

This forum is what WE make of it and I think your topic is fair game for discussion.

Over the years on this site and others, various members have discussed what is or isn't happening within the RW that brings him or her into the hobby world.

Several men have discussed S.O. health issues that lead to zero sex with the home partner. Some of these SO's understand their partner's needs and condone the hobby as long as 'it doesn't come home', show up on the doorstep, or threaten the RW home life.

Others, maybe such as yourself, have 'this side' to our lives where we never let the Hobby World come close to the SO due to rejection by the SO.

Yours is a question many of us have asked ourselves when the RW sex life has stopped or dribbled to less than optimal for various reasons.

My SO does not have the medical issues that you have related, however, the end result from my point of view is the same. One partner's libido is non-existent while the other partner's wants and needs remain normal.

It is a conundrum as old as humans I guess.

In my instance, I have had sexual relations with the SO twice in four years. She has zero desire, and I am not inclined to beg, brow-beat, or require her to do anything. The rest of our relationship is satisfactory and I prefer no radical changes.

She has strong suspicions that I occasionally stray outside of the marital bounds and during those times there has been a bit of stress to both of us. I have let her know that my wants, needs, and desires for sexual relations has not decreased as her's have, so either I stop or she has to accept the occasional deviance from the norm.

To the best of my ability I have not found a more viable solution other than parting ways, again something I do not seek.

Is it possible counseling could provide a solution? Yes, but I doubt it would lead to the SO handing me $300 and telling me to 'go get your oil changed'. I feel there would still be resentment for sharing a portion of my attention to another female. But that is my situation.

It may be that your SO may recognize that your relationship may be strong enough to weather the occasional 'oil change' and look forward to seeing you with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.

Hope it works out.

Well said Doglegg. Some of the things you've pointed out are exactly what have gone through my head over the previous years and at this point I've acknowledged there is no easy fix. No blue pill. No self help book. No ongoing debate about who or what point of view is the most relevant. More to the point, considering all she's gone through and overcome, at times it feels like even stating out loud how I'd like some kind of return to that part of our lives - even in some kind of different form - seems like sacrilege. So I hold my tongue.

I'll never suggest that part of my life is at the top of my list of priorities. Hell, it might not even make the top 5. But when it's gone, there's a void that is palpable. And any discussion about making a change brings an inevitable argument and a 5 day cold shoulder. I appreciate your perspective. I'm not one to throw my laundry pout on the front lawn for all to sort through but like I said, any and every option up to this point has been disaster. Hoping their might be insight from the female side that might make me think this through in a different way - and was thinking the healthy attitudes on here about the physical and emotional "act" might be a good place to start. We'll see.

To your point, this is as old as humans. I might have specific challenges but the situation's the same - the pros and cons of 2 people trying their best to maintain a relationship without murdering each other as they sleep. I think I heard Eve never got Adam to put the seat after when he took a leak.

My experience is similar … my SO was diagnosed with cancer (not of the breast, but it was a serious stage-four cancer) and went through the horrors of chemo, radiation, and surgery. She’s recovered, not cured – it will be back – and it totally zapped her interest in sexual intimacy. To this day, she’s just not into it, and the few times we’ve tried it’s been unsatisfactory: she couldn’t get into it, so I couldn’t get into it. Just felt wrong and trying was more emotionally taxing than not trying at all.

In my case, going outside of the marriage was her suggestion. She sadly said she would probably never be able to take care of me again, and told me “do what you need to do to see to your needs, just don’t embarrass me.” It hurt me to hear that, and hurts me still just to remember. What an astounding woman. How do I deserve that depth of love?

I didn’t take advantage of being let off the leash for some time afterward, maybe six or eight months passed. I felt it would be wrong to indulge myself even having her permission to do so. The loneliness and sorrow were overwhelming, and I eventually started looking around Craigslist for someone in the same situation – deeply in love with a partner who couldn’t be sexual with them, needing relief but not wanting it to interfere with an otherwise happy marriage.

No luck in that regard. Craigslist is full of scams and really unsavory characters. But I eventually got a response from a woman who said “I’m an escort.” And that was the second hurdle: I’d never seen a pro and didn’t think I was the kind of guy who would do such a thing. I struggled with that for about a week before I realized it’s the perfect arrangement to get the relief I needed with no strings attached. Much better than caving into one of the workplace flirts or hooking up with another broken person and amplifying each other’s misery.

And the first time, it was OK. It was what I needed. I felt guilty but at the same time I felt better for having scratched the itch. Since then I’ve settled into it, and come to accept that I am “that kind of guy.” It still leaves me feeling a little hollow sometimes, and wishing against all evidence that my SO will suddenly snap of it. That is probably never going to happen.

So I sneak around, slip out a couple times a month to find release, and keep it discreet so as not to embarrass her or make her feel awkward. I try not to see the same provider too often to avoid becoming emotionally attached. And it’s not as difficult anymore. I do enjoy the sessions I’m having with the right kind of provider for me (sensual, intimate, GFE experiences that seem more healthy and positive than dirty and shameful). It’s what it is.

I am still emotionally close to my SO and still feel she is the right life partner, can’t imagine leaving and I want to be by her side until the end. Home life has become happy again, in spite of the lack of sexual intimacy, and I’m able to scratch the itch without self-loathing or regret ... most of the time. It’s just the thing I do because it’s what has to be done to keep me on an even keel.

I can’t offer you advice on how to breach the subject with your SO – she may not feel the same way as mine and it may not be something she would permit or accept, or how she’d handle it if you proposed it, or discovered you’ve made the decision on your own. All of that is too specific to the kind of woman she is and the kind of relationship you have.

But I can tell you that, based on my own experience, it will be very difficult at first, less so over time. And in the end, hobbying has probably helped my marriage stay strong in spite of the one thing it lacks, and helped me weather the bad days without feeling so constantly crushed by it all.



I’m glad of the choice I made, and wish you the best of luck finding and making peace with the new way of things in your own life.

^^^as I mentioned there are those spouses out there that have found the ability to 'look the other way' as it were.

John, sorry to hear of your wife's condition, I hope she remains comfortable.

This forum and community of ours really is more than hooking up and writing reviews...In some instances this is the only place where we can be 'honest' about what we have experienced and gone through.

...In some instances this is the only place where we can be 'honest' about what we have experienced and gone through. Originally Posted by Doglegg

Anonymity is sometimes very cathartic.

“do what you need to do to see to your needs, just don’t embarrass me.” It hurt me to hear that, and hurts me still just to remember. What an astounding woman. How do I deserve that depth of love? Originally Posted by John4229

Wow, your wife must be an amazing person. She REALLY loves you!

It must be bitter for the women involved to realize that they cannot cover that part of a relationship any more, as hard as they try. I cannot even imagine what they go through in addition to horrible diseases they survived.

At least all wives mentioned in this post seem to have thoughtful and considerate husbands. My admiration for you. There is no easy solution.

God bless you all.

I'm so sorry about your wife but it's great that she survived.

As a woman, it feels to me like it may be a psychological thing with her. Breasts are equated with sex appeal and she probably isn't feeling too sexy having had a mastectomy. My suggestion is to really focus on little gestures of love and intimacy rather than the meat and potatoes so to speak. Play with her hair, rub her shoulders, kiss behind her neck, etc. Compliment often, take a romantic trip.

Similar situation with my wife. At one point she suggested I get a sex surrogate. I used to feel bad about doing something like this to accommodate my needs. I felt like if I were judged by a third party, they would consider my indulging pathetic. But it's the micro relationships which have ensued which keep me sane. It wouldn't happen without the truly innerly beautiful ladies that I have seen here and the one I frequented elsewhere. I've also talked about it to a therapist. Maybe that would help you as well. In the end, I care about the providers I've seen about the same as I would a second or first cousin. My screening process seems to be subconsciously that direction as well. Who behaves and carries herself in a way that I wouldn't be embarrassed about calling my cousin.

My SO developed cancer several years ago. Her sex drive went away, as did most of her energy. she encouraged me to go outside our relationship, even found this site for me. She could satisfy all of my emotional needs, but none of my physical ones. She even got a little thrill when I told her about my escapades. She would ask for details! She unfortunately succumbed to her illness. I do this now because I haven't achieved the point in which I can see developing another emotional bond, and I have always relieved my stress with sexual contact. I do gravitate more towards providers that are more heavily GFE.

I completely understand the poster's dilemna, and know where he's coming from.

I've seen cases where the mind has not given up on sexuality but the body has, and quite a few of the times a medication that the patient was taking was responsible.
I'm not saying that is the answer, just something that should be looked at.

I've seen cases where the mind has not given up on sexuality but the body has, and quite a few of the times a medication that the patient was taking was responsible. I'm not saying that is the answer, just something that should be looked at. Originally Posted by joshharris86

You make a very good point. There are likely cases in which existing treatment may be the cause of loss-of-interest, or where additional treatment would help restore it.

It’s a very sensitive issue and hard to talk about without making your partner feel like you are disappointed in her or that she is broken. One of the things you learn about people with medical conditions is never to nag them about things they feel they cannot control, it just irritates them and exacerbates the feeling of helplessness they already have.

I imagine she hasn’t discussed it with her doctor or, if she has, they haven’t found a solution. Whatever the case, I’ll leave it to her to explore that at her own discretion – if they do find a “cure” and it restores her passion, I’ll be leaving the hobby. But it’s been a few years, so I don’t feel too hopeful about that and expect that this “work-around” is going to be a long-term situation.