Anyone have a funny and humorous story to tell? Don't out names. Don't out embarrassing or mean stories, please...let's keep it nice and funny.
I'll start...
This one time a Whore Camp
I am a person living with a physical disability. When not in the shower or otherwise engaged in nude activity, I wear braces on both hands. Without them my sense of touch is limited...I cannot feel my hands much.
Normally, nowadays, I'll put the condom on with my mouth.
A few months back...we were hot and heavy making out...touching, kissing, caressing. During the makeout session I grab his package and wrap it up. "Ready to fuck me baby?"
He starts laughing...pulling his hand up to my face. Turns out I put the condom on 3 of his fingers instead of his dick.
We had a good laugh, put a new condom on the correct appendage and had a fan-fucking-tastic time.
From now on, I'll be putting the condom on with my mouth
Let's hear your funny story...
- Go4it
- 10-28-2019, 01:08 AM
I was the first for a new provider. She had a friend explain all the basics of how a session should go including detailed explanations of how to put on a condom. This included the info about how to make sure the air was out. Well, she placed the condom on my erect member then grabbed the reservoir, pinched it between her two fingers, then pulled it up. Unfortunately for me, she pulled it really far up ---- then just released it. SMACK!!!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!
Ever since we have called it her snapper. And she often offers to give some guys her snapper - but they don't have a clue what it is.
Damn that was a good laugh for years
How did the rest of the session go? LOL
Okay, I've got one.
So, I started looking for a minivan recently, and Traveling Gentleman went with me, at my request, to this one dealership to check things out. I've never looked for cars and wanted advice from someone who knew what they were doing! So we get there to the dealership, we head outside with the owner and he is showing us cars.
I tell the guy that I need something with a lot of room, I've got three kids. He takes us over to this minivan, older, and I'm in love. It's black, it's big and looks okay. So, Traveling Gentleman and I are talking, and the owner says, "I'll be right back, I'm going to get the keys, give me your drivers licence, and I'll let ya'll go for a test drive." I hand over my licence.
Traveling Gentleman has this look on his face. Like, "Ummm, I don't know about this." The owner gets back, hands me the keys and I get in and start the minivan up. I look over and I tell Traveling Gentleman to get in. He didn't want to! I'm like, "Yo, get your ass in here!" and finally, he gets in and he bucks up and is sitting next to me, like I'm some sort of crazed driver! He's never seen me drive so I'll admit, maybe he was right to be cautious?
I tell him, "I'm a great driver." And he shoots back, "That has yet to be seen." For the most part, I did good, I wasn't used to the size and maybe when I was turning back into the dealership afterwards took the corner a little too close to the curb? But he was fine! Believe me! Maybe a little shook up? It was certainly funny in my book!
Back 2 the condoms stories.
I was seeing this provider and this time she seemed a bit of in a hurry.
She said her room mate (girl I think) would be back soon.We did our business which wasn't that good!
Then I'm rushed out of the place. I got outside and had to pee REEL BAD! So I pulled it out and just started to pee in the drive way.
I thought this feels like I'm getting wet! I look down and am filling the silly as condom! WTF! But LOL
About three years ago I was driving through Denver and scheduled a date with the number two rated provider in Denver. Hot milf, 38-40, slim, magnificent bolt-ons and definitely worth her ratings.
The session was in her house, and as she let me in, three large Afgan hounds joined us in the foyer. For those of you that don't know, these are large dogs with very long necks and LOTS of hair. She suggested that we proceed directly to her bedroom and get to know each other in there. We walked into her bedroom and it was 100% lined with slightly offset floor-to-ceiling mirrors -- the offset allowing the wall-to-wall reflections to be visible into infinity. Every direction I looked, there were at least six or eight of me looking directly back at me and another dozen or so of me looking at an angle. She also had a massive four-poster bed elevated 3-4 feet off the carpet. Needless to say, knowing what her reviews had said about her body, I was pretty excited about the mirrors and the good use they could be put to.
Well, we talked for a bit and held hands and stroked each other, and a few minutes into the conversation, one of the dogs strolls in and lays down on a doggie bed in the corner of the room. The lady and I are getting a little more friendly with some kissing and a few clothes coming off, and a second dog comes in and lays down on a bed in a different corner of the room. You guessed it, as all the clothes finally came off, the third dog came in, walked all the way around the four poster and settled in a doggie bed in the corner of the room farthest from the door.
Well, of course, the lady didn't pay any attention and honestly, she was legitimately great in bed -- all her wonderful reviews were pretty spot on, and I was enjoying the mirrors. At all times, I had multiple views of 100% of her body. In addition, she was pretty passionate and seemed to really enjoy the session. A few minutes in, we were going at it in cowgirl, and she jumped off me and said "I just love it from behind" and jumped off the bed, grabbed one of the posts at the foot of the bed, leaned over and said "fuck me HARD". I, of course, jumped off the bed, grabbed her hips and got after it -- but when I jumped off the bed, all three dogs sat up and gave the two of us their undivided attention.
So Afgan hounds are big dogs with long necks and I could see images of all three dogs into infinity in those slightly angled mirrors -- and they were all staring at us. The lady is either truly deep in the throes of ecstasy, or her IOP is very impressive, and honestly, she's hot and I didn't lose any concentration -- it was a great session, even if I did have about 500 hounds staring at me while I really enjoyed their owner from behind.
When I came, she crawled up on the bed, collapsed and said "Wow!" and all three dogs laid down in their beds. I lost the condom, crawled up next to her and we talked for the rest of the hour. Later, when she showed me out, the dogs stayed in the bedroom. And she never said a word about the dogs or the mirrors. Wild date and very fun, but a totally surreal feeling having the image of that many dogs staring at us.
About three years ago I was driving through Denver and scheduled a date with the number two rated provider in Denver. Hot milf, 38-40, slim, magnificent bolt-ons and definitely worth her ratings.
The session was in her house, and as she let me in, three large Afgan hounds joined us in the foyer. For you that don't know, these are large dogs with very long necks and LOTS of hair. She suggested that we proceed directly to her bedroom and get to know each other in there. We walked into her bedroom and it was 100% lined with slightly offset floor-to-ceiling mirrors -- the offset allowing the wall-to-wall reflections to be visible into infinity. Every direction I looked, there were at least six or eight of me looking directly back and another dozen or so of me looking at an angle. She also had a massive four-poster bed elevated 3-4 feet off the carpet. Needless to say, knowing what her reviews had said about her body, I was pretty excited.
Well, we talked for a bit and held hands and stroked each other, and a few minutes into the conversation, one of the dogs strolls in and lays down on a doggie bed in the corner of the room. The lady and I are getting a little more friendly with some kissing and a few clothes coming off, and a second dog comes in and lays down on a bed in a different corner of the room. You guessed it, as all the clothes finally came off, the third dog came in, walked all the way around the four poster and settled in a doggie bed in the corner of the room farthest from the door.
Well, of course, the lady didn't pay any attention and honestly, she was legitimately great in bed -- all her wonderful reviews were pretty spot on, and I was enjoying the mirrors. At all times, I had multiple views of 100% of her body. In addition, she was pretty passionate and seemed to really enjoy the session. A few minutes in, we were going at it in cowgirl, and she jumped off me and said "I just love it from behind" and jumped off the bed, grabbed one of the posts at the foot of the bed, leaned over and said "fuck me HARD". I, of course, jumped off the bed, grabbed her hips and got after it -- but when I jumped off the bed, all three dogs sat up and gave the two of us their undivided attention.
So Afgan hounds are big dogs with long necks and I could see images of all three dogs into infinity in those slightly angled mirrors -- and they were all staring at us. The lady is either truly deep in the throes of ecstasy, or her IOP is very impressive, and honestly, she's hot and I didn't lose any concentration -- it was a great session, even if I did have about 500 hounds staring at me while I really enjoyed their owner from behind.
When I came, she crawled up on the bed, collapsed and said "Wow!" and all three dogs laid down in their beds. I lost the condom, crawled up next to her and we talked for the rest of the hour. Later, when she showed me out, the dogs stayed in the bedroom. And she never said a word about the dogs or the mirrors. Wild date and very fun, but a totally surreal feeling having the image of that many dogs staring at us.
I have no idea why that posted twice.
A few years ago, I was having a session with a provider that was reviewed as a squirter. She remarked on my namesake and was ready for me to go down on her - which I did. I proceeded to do my thing, with licking her clit and massaging her G spot. About 10 minutes in, she heaved up and squirted over my shoulder - like a shot. In the process, she farted. Fortunately, that was below the chin. She apologized. And, the rest is history. I have a trademark on the term.
So one time this “high class provider” was text messaging her snowball salesman with my dick in her mouth. Another time a “high class provider” was so high she wrecked her car three times driving down my street when she left.
Guess it’s not really “funny” More tragic and sad
One time I was visiting a long time "friend" 200 miles away. When I got home, I had to do a #2. As I took down my underpants, a used condom wrapper fell onto the floor. Wow, a close call for a married guy.
Had to repair a headboard recently one evening. One of my favs.
First she's teasing me: You broke it you fix it.
Which changed to: You are a Carpenter.
Probably had to be there cause the emotion thing was in full display.
In closing, this gal and another are now tied at two beds broken each.
This occurred years ago, when very green to the hobby and experienced my first rob.
I pulled up to an apartment complex that was a known hangout for providers. Its a gated community which requires a key to get beyond the parking lot. The fencing is chain link.
I notify her I am here. I see her walking towards my car and I hop out to meet her expecting to go into her apartment. She motions me to get back into the car. Cop check, place donation on console of car. She picks up donation and counts the $$.
Then she states she is local Police and they are running a Sting. But, since I have been so compliant they will let me go with a warning. I asked to see her badge, in which she immediately bolts towards the gate. I rush after her, and she is attempting to get her key into the gate, but can't get it to open. She elects to climb the chain link fence and starts to go over.
By this time she has one leg over and I grab the other leg. She is flailing about with her foot trying to get meto release her leg when I notice other people are starting to notice and starting to come and investigate.
I decided it's best to forget the hobby money and leave. When I let go her jeans she is wearing get caught on the top of the chain link fence and she can't get them loose.
I back out and start to drive away when she is able to get her pant leg loose from the fence and drops about four feet to the ground. She stands up and flips me the bird with both hands as I drive away.
So for the first meeting I had with a lady who is now my ATF, we set up a 4 hour lunch date because she was recommended to me by another lady I enjoyed. Anyway it was decided that we would meet and enjoy each others company and then go grab a bite. After we were through and were cleaning up she was slipping into a pair of jeans and she completely ripped the crotch out of them. Of course we both laughed and I tried to encourage her to where them to lunch. Anyway she got dressed and we proceeded to my car only to find that I had locked my keys in it. She drove to lunch and when we were just about done I had to call my roommate who was about 40 miles away to meet us about half way with my spare key. We still talk about that meeting sometimes when we get together.
