I have not been on here in a while due to outside career, appointment requests and school. So, a couple of things to consider before I write what I have to say. 1.) I would like to state that I am writing this in the National Forum so it is not perceived as an advertisement by anyone. I rarely advertise under ProviderAds...maybe once every three months because of my amazing repeats who keep me busy. I also ask you not to judge me because I have been going through a hard time personally. 2.) I am confessing something very hurtful I am experiencing to reiterate the fact that I am a human being who has many flaws and I hope other ladies can relate to what I am experiencing.
Well, I have been in the Austin//Los Angeles/Las Vegas/St. Anthony hobby for about 18 months and have been very successful. Several of my clients have become repeats because they love my service, skill-sets in our session and reviews cite that they find me attractive. With that said, fast forward to a few months ago and I have been battling a major eating disorder which is something that I would never have done in the past. I am outing myself on this board because I sought help from a counselor to prevent me from damaging my health, organs, etc. any further. She advised me to talk about it with people and what it has done to me emotionally, so here it is in the National Forum. I will say, I hate myself and am disgusted with myself. I was always such a strong young lady with confidence, good decision making skills, and will-power and I feel like I am drowning sometimes and I can't breathe. My service has not changed and I am still treating my clients like Platinum, but I find myself at the gym for hours non-stop and am also battling the eating disorder in addition to drinking excessively after my client leaves after our session.
It began some months ago when a repeat client came to visit me and had told me that at one of the luncheons in a particular city of Texas (the city begins with an "A"), one man described me as fat and ugly and nothing above a "2" on a scale of 1-10. He went on to say that other reputable hobbyists had agreed with his assessment and that I looked nothing like my YouTube videos albeit my videos were uploaded, time-stamped with the newspaper date within days of them claiming they saw me! This intel came from a trusted hobbyist who told me to be careful and to stay away from "this group of men under these several handles who were present/attended the luncheon and smeared me and my image" He personally thought they were crazy out of their minds because he considers me a beautiful woman all around, but when I heard that comment about me from his mouth, I looked at my client and smile and said, "I am not worried....it doesn't bother me one bit" and winked at him. Deep down inside, it killed me!
When he left, I cried and completed an entire bottle of Patron silver by myself, passing out and could have easily had alcohol poisoning. I woke up the next morning, still very upset because I felt like the ugliest human being on the planet and I began to hate myself. I am so ashamed and humiliated that I am writing this so publicly, but maybe this will help me overcome my eating disorder. Have I lost weight? Yes. About 10 pounds to be exact. Do I have a much sexier body and can charge more and not undersell myself like I was getting used to due to self-esteem issues? Probably.
In that particular city, I imposed a $500 for 2 hour minimum because I detest and hate what that city represents to me, how it damaged my heart and broke my spirit a million times over. How that city of men made me hate myself so much to the point of overdosing on alcohol. I think in my mind, I justified imposing that minimum, hoping to attract my favorite UTR clients who rarely post, tip well and respect me and thank me over and over for being real.
Even several of my repeats who have not seen me in several months who have seen me recently said, OH MY GOD! YOU LOOK GREAT! WOW! I am indeed much thinner, I have defined cheekbones since my face has taken a new shape due to the weight loss, my skin is clearer and I no longer cake on my makeup, hair is healthier and straight and I almost look like a completely different person. I feel like I have control over my body again and my image. If I am feeling fat, I will starve myself. I went into a gentleman's club (a few) about 2 days ago and was told my management that I have my stripper body back from when I danced at the Palace in San Antonio when I first began in the hobby and was re-hired, but that is still not good enough for me which is why I feel it is important to document my everyday struggle with this major debacle I am experiencing. If I considered quitting my day job and going back to dancing, the eating disorder would probably worsen.
I had gained about ten pounds last year due to an emergency surgery that was very personal, but never considered myself fat or ugly or a 2 at best! I love San Antonio and love my clients in San Antonio because I feel that they have never degraded me in any way which is why I remain in San Antonio and do not visit select cities where men are know to tear women down A***** unless it is a client off of EROS or UTR at a 2/hr minimum.
My self-esteem was redeemed recently and temporarily bandaged when I was able to secure two NBA players as my clients via a sworn to secrecy contract who found me on Eccie and have repeated with me many times via multi-hour and multi-day engagements, one player even comparing me to Kobe's wife Vanessa! lol. I thought that was cute and it is refreshing to know that these guys could walk into any club and get it for free with their groupies, but learned from Tiger Woods that Angelina might be the way to go. Last week, I had two of the most amazing, sexy NEW clients who loved me on every level, one reminded me of Pierce Brosnan, the second Dave Navarro and they will both repeat. Again, another reason not to continue with my eating disorder. As each day goes by, I get thinner and thinner and was a spinner at 21 years of age due to my battle with Anorexia and fear that I will achieve that body type unaturally if I keep going on with my eating disorder. Naturally, I'm Latina and am beautiful with curves, but I find that I hate my curves. Body image issues....here we go
As for the comments or "rumor" of mean-spirited comments, I hold not grudges and men are absolutely 100% entitled to their opinions. I think half the time men say things with the intent to hurt because they are confident it will get back to me, but I don't care because I love my repeat clients and my repeat clients love me and that is all that matters!
Again, do not judge me for this. I still need help and am climbing and uphill battle. I also doubt I will be logged in to Eccie for several days due to a multi-day travel committment (sp?) for a client, so I apologize if I do not respond to comments, but I am very curious to see if any ladies would care to share a similar struggle or experience with an eating disorder.
Thank you for listening to my words....please pray for me.
Love,
Angelina
