The Story

OK......because it has been requested, Ole Shelton will tell the story that continues to haunt him, that causes him to wake up in cold sweats, and to this very day choose flashlights over candles in Hurricane preparation.

The year was 1992. Ole Shelton was living in Nashville and had recently gotten divorced. As with most fellows who recently find themselves with too much time and freedom...hitting the town every chance possible was the thing to do. Ole Shelton found himself with an much younger roommate. Perhaps I enjoyed educating the young pup, perhaps I enjoyed a little help on the rent, or perhaps I just enjoyed an occasional game of slap and tickle with his sister. Nevertheless, my roomie and I would frequent the strip club scene in Music City.

On this particular night, my roomie called me at work and advised that Lauren Brice was dancing at DeJa Vu that evening. Now, for you younger folks, Lauren Brice was a tall leggy porn star from the late 80s/early 90s. This is back when being a porn star meant you really were a porn star and not that you videoed yourself blowing a 2nd cousin, slapped it on a DVD and sold it out of car trunks next to liqour stores and pawn shops. Miss Brice won AVN Actress of the Year in 1991. She was the real deal.

I recall having to work a little late, so we got to the club just before her second to last set. Now, Ole Shelton is a bit of a stage monkey, so we find ourselves seated front row center at the stage. The Village People’s “Macho Man” starts blaring loud and she comes out dressed like a sexy construction worker....cut-off Daisy Dukes, aviator sunglasses, suede steel toe work boots with thick socks, a wife beater t-shirt cut to just cover her beautiful, massive tits. So she is dancing and doing her thing and keeps making eye contact with Ole Shelton....of course, being the gentlemen I am, I am tipping fairly well...then she gets to the point she is paying no attention to anyone else. She is down to nuthin but that t-shirt and comes and stands above me.....she rips it in half, flips it over a few times like she is about to pop someone with a towel, then holding ends of the t-shirt in both hands she throws it over my head...loops it around my neck and pulls Ole Shelton into that nether region which allowed all five of my senses to have undisputable evidence that Miss Brice was indeed a woman. As Ole Shelton struggled for air up against Miss Brice’s “better parts”...I could hear the rest of the patrons yelling “ Damn, what are you giving her? Hundreds?” My roomie could not control himself and just pushed his stack of one’s onto the stage and carefully backed away.

Probably feeling that Ole Shelton had become satisfied with the belief that this would be his last breath and that there were worse ways to die, Miss Brice released her grip....watched me fall back into my seat. She placed her finger where my face had just been buried, brought it back to her mouth and licked it, dropped the t-shirt around my neck, bent down and whispered “ Bring it over after the set and I will autograph it for you.” My my my...that t-shirt sure smelled nice.

Well, Ole Shelton needed a drink and smoke after that. The other dawgs in the joint gave Ole Shelton a friendly ribbing. But it was getting late and having had fun, Ole Shelton was ready to leave. My roomie reminded me about the t-shirt and insisted I do as Miss Brice commanded and bring it to get autographed. Well, she came out and was seated in the queen’s chair to sign polaroids, etc. As she was signing, Ole Shelton saw her scanning the room and eventually having her eyes fall on Ole Shelton, she curled her index finger toward her slowly and motioned for me to come to the front of the line. Of course, Ole Shelton heard the cat calls and such, but I did not leave the lady hanging...I went to the front of the line. She autographed the shirt, whispered something in my ear that do this day I have no idea what she said. ( Damn loud clubs) And just like that, my roomie and I left.

We are on the way back to the bachelor pad and he is smelling the shirt. ( I told you ...it smelled great.) He opens to read the autograph and starts freaking out. He shows me that she wrote,
“ Waiting on you. Hilton 202. Lauren Brice”. Well, Ole Shelton has seen a few autographs in his day and I just told my roomie that was what she wrote for everyone. Once back at the pad, we continued to drink and Ole Shelton began to buy into the notion that maybe this was indeed that once in a lifetime Penthouse Forum moment. So, I got dressed and headed to the Hilton.

Ole Shelton must’ve stood outside that room for a good 15 minutes before I got the nerve to knock on the door. Surely, I was just waking a out of town businessman at 2:30 am and security would be bouncing me out of this hotel any minute. However, to my surprise.....she opened the door. No, she wasn’t wearing anything sexy. She was actually wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a picture of Tom Selleck on it. (Not a magnum PI shirt either...strange)

“ I did not think you were coming”, she said opening the door wider.

“I did not think you were serious”, I said walking in.

“There are some things I never joke about”, she said shutting the door and locking it behind me.

Now folks, this is the part where Ole Shelton is pretty sure you are ready to hear about the fantastic, beautiful, erotic poetry of two bodies intertwined and the sharing of two souls who happen to pass in the night......and Ole Shelton really wishes he could tell you that story...but that story would be a lie. Let Ole Shelton share the harsh truth....

I was not long in the room before I found myself awkwardly tied to the bed. I say awkwardly because the restraints were a little more snug than I was comfortable with, but not so tight that they hurt....but what could I do...look like a girly man and complain? My hostess had now come to somewhat ignore me....I was talking to her, but she seemed to not know I was there. Of course, when she locked her lips around me staff and began to bring Ole Shelton to a state of arousal and I shut up, figuring...well this is when the good stuff starts. Oh and it started all right.

She mounted me and began to ride me while dripping hot melted wax into my belly button. Ouch. Kinky, but ok....eventually when my belly button was full, she appeared to insert a wick into it. Within a few minutes, this crazy woman lit my stomach on fire...she made a belly candle and lit it on fire!! Then she got out the finger paints and started drawing on me....no...no. not the flavored body paint you find at the sex shop....this was not random drawing. She was DRAWING SYMBOLS ON MY BODY.

Ole Shelton is tied the fucking bed, stomach burning like a goddamn Hannukah candle, and she is painting symbols on my body !!! I now come to realize that I am about to be eaten...or maybe sacrificed or something worse !!! This is NOT what I signed up for.

Luckily, Ole Shelton was not eaten. But perhaps I was correct about the worse part. As I was still tied up, she comes out with a double-sided rubber penis that was as long and thick as Lou Ferrigno’s leg. “Oh dear God...my poor anus.” This was the only thought in my mind....well, that and screaming for help....but, what would be worse....having someone come through the door and finding me like this, or having Godzilla’s cock shoved into my ass? Fortunately, Ole Shelton never had to have this question answered as the nature of the large rubber cock was not for inserting, but rather it was to use as a club. She BEAT THE HELL OUTTA ME with that thing...and she called me names...and made me say things...bad things.

Did I mention the “click” “click” sound and the explosion of light? Oh, well that was the camera on the tri-pod she used to take photos of all that went on this night. There was also a video...you know, one of those giant VHS video cameras that weighed like 40lbs and rested on your shoulder. Yes, video and still photography. Ole Shelton’s night was just grand.

Some things that went on that night, Ole Shelton has paid therapists good money to forget. Needless to say, I eventually was allowed to dress and leave. As a parting gift, she gave me the roll of 35mm film she shot, but said the video was “ for her personal collection.”

I got home around 7am....curled up on the couch in a fetal position and just rocked back and forth. The roomie ended up getting the photos developed by an art student he knew at Vanderbilt. He moved out a few months later....took the pics.

So what have we learned from this story, boys and girls? We learned why Ole Shelton does not do the strip club scene, we learned why Ole Shelton will never run for president, and we learned why on cold evenings, Ole Shelton’s left hip still aches a little.

DAMN! I remember Lauren Brice very well (hot, hot, hot!), though I never was fortunate enough to meet her.

Cheers man, great story.

Thanks for sharing! Some ol' hair of the dog may be just what you need though. We should take a group of dudes to Visions and you could be the bachelor on stage!!!

There's no love like that between a Voodoo Priestess/Dominatrix and her unwilling victim. I choked back some tears as I read that.

Thanks for sharing Shelton. It's as funny as I remember it years ago. When I get home tonight I'm gonna raise my drink in a silent toast to you. (Be kinda hard to explain that toast to the wife)

Oh yeah, and let us know when the video surfaces on YouTube.

Wow. Just. Wow. Great story.

Oh, hell: anyone can top that--last time I had sex w/a girl for 10 mins. off Backpage? Instead of switching from Mish to K9... I went from K9 to MISH. Hah! And you thought no one could top YOUR story...

LOL: that is truly a great story. I love a good yarn. I've got a couple: Branding My Ass @ the AMP, Pizza-Pie-Pimp-Daddy, the Nastiest-Fuck-In-North-Carolina, and let us not forget this year's Mardi Gras season "I Gouged Your Dick W/My Nails--THREE TIMES--and Thought It Was Funny" but nothing comes even close to yours. Welcome back!

OH MAN ; I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN READ THE ENTIRE EPIC POST. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF TWITTER, YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? I HAVE A.D.D. ... BRB

OH MAN !!! THIS IS SO CRAZY TO ME :

" The Village People’s “Macho Man” starts blaring loud and she comes out dressed like a sexy construction worker....cut-off Daisy Dukes, aviator sunglasses, suede steel toe work boots with thick socks, a wife beater t-shirt cut to just cover her beautiful, massive tits. "

THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE GAY MEN + I WOULD NEVER PLAY THAT IN A STRIP CLUB EVER !!! I STRIPPED IN FLORIDA, WHERE HAIR METAL AND CLASSIC ROCK WAS "THE RULE" + THE DJ DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, AT ALL !!! + I USED TO GET MAD AT THIS ONE STRIPPER THAT USED TO PLAY MARTIKA'S "TOY SOLDIERS" BECAUSE IT HAD BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF LAUGHING CHILDREN IN THE BACKGROUND !!! ... ONE OF MY NYC PERSONAL FRIENDS IS A GAY MAN + HE TOLD ME "2 OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE MEMBERS ARE "GAY 4 PAY !!!" MAYBE THIS STRIP CLUB SOUNDTRACK IS PROOF THAT SOME OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE "HETERO IN THE CLOSET" !!!

"She was actually wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a picture of Tom Selleck on it. " TOM SELLECK ? ON A T-SHIRT ? T-SELLECK TOM-SHIRT <3 THAT IS JUST AMAZING "STYLE" + I WOULD DEFINITELY ROCK THAT T-SHIRT !!!

"She was DRAWING SYMBOLS ON MY BODY.

Ole Shelton is tied the fucking bed, stomach burning like a goddamn Hannukah candle, and she is painting symbols on my body !!! I now come to realize that I am about to be eaten...or maybe sacrificed or something worse !!! This is NOT what I signed up for."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I WORK AS A PRO DOMME + I HAVE LIVED IN NEW YORK CITY SINCE EARLY 2007. ONE THING THAT IS VERY INTERESTING + RELEVANT IS THAT WHITE JEWISH CANDLES ARE REALLY GOOD FOR S+M PURPOSES BECAUSE WHITE CANDLES TEND TO BE THE LEAST PAINFUL, WHEN MELTED ON FLESH !!! I ABSOLUTELY RECOMMEND THIS !!!

ALSO, AREN'T "REAL PORN STARS" FROM LOS ANGELES ? THEN, SHE IS GETTING ALL GOTH ON YOU IN BED ? FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, EVERYONE IN LOS ANGELES IS WHITE/BLONDE/TAN/ENHANCED ... OR ... MEXICAN/GOTH.

I APPRECIATE THE CAMEO APPEARANCE FROM "VINTAGE ELECTRONIX"

" Did I mention the “click” “click” sound and the explosion of light? Oh, well that was the camera on the tri-pod she used to take photos of all that went on this night. There was also a video...you know, one of those giant VHS video cameras that weighed like 40lbs and rested on your shoulder. Yes, video and still photography. "

THANKS FOR COMPOSING + CREATING THIS, SHELTON <3

Shelton---you are an interesting man!

Yep, that was an interesting and hilarious read. It sure has made me consider giving pause to such an unlikely invite.

Great Story!!

WOW! damn! WOW! I'd like to see a short film adaptation!!