That's funny right there. What a story !!!
QUOTE=SinsOfTheFlesh;105568016 4]
This is not my story, but this same topic came up about 3 years ago. I had to go back to dig this post up, but goddamn, its the funniest thing I've ever read, and SO worth repeating.
http://www.eccie.net/showpost.php?p=1361544&postcount=5
Originally posted by: OriginalMe (where did he go? Damn I miss his posts)
Oh shit, I guess I'll tell this one. I've got many more, but this is by far the worst I've ever had from BP. I've never told anyone this story. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Shut up, it ain't funny.
I guess it was some time in the summer of '07, I was trolling Backpage and came across a new lady, maybe mid 30's, homely but cute, staggeringly massive boobs. I contacted her and we actually IM'd and texted back and forth for a few days, and eventually set up an hour meeting at her place. Her last IM to me read, "BTW, I'm kinky if that's ok?" I responded that it was fine, because I was too.
I pull up to her place, beautiful duplex in a really nice area. Kinda like those "To Catch A Predator" areas. A little too nice. I pull in her driveway, and god damned if there isn't one of those big white Ford Econoline vans parked right in the shared driveway. Tinted windows. Dude just sitting in it. Total cop-mobile, right? I look up, and make eye contact with the dude, and I freak, pull out and bail. I do a couple circles around the block, and when I come back, the dude is gone.
Call me a dumbass if you like, but I just drove 75 miles to get here. So, I'm either getting some, or I'm getting popped by the Po-Po. I let my testicles descend from my throat, pull back in her driveway, ring the bell, and lo-and-behold, she answers. Cute, thick, milf, massive tankers, peaking her head through the door. She rushes me inside and quickly shuts the door, since she was almost butthouse nekkid.
We greet, she tosses me a beer, and we sit there on her couch and BS for like, 45 minutes. She was cool as hell, but I was still waiting for the cops to kick down the door at any moment, like they were just waiting for me to slip up and say something. That was until "it" happened.
Out of god damned nowhere, this pleasantly plump 35 year old housewife leaps through the air, straddles me, pinning me down on the couch, and starts licking my god damned face rapidly and repeatedly like a spastic Saint Bernard who ain't seen its owner in 6 months. Just lapping me up like a water bowl. I don't know WTF to do, because I don't know WTF is going on, my face is soaked, I'm disgusted yet furiously turned on at the same time, and I don't know why. Then, she starts shoving her tongue in my mouth, and I'm getting ready for what I supposed was going to be DFK, but instead, she starts licking my god damned gums. Furiously, licking my gums. All over, top and bottom, above, below, and behind the teeth. Full scale dental deep cleaning. Again, disgusted, yet somehow turned on by this.
Mercifully, after I'm struggling to catch my breath, she gets up, and starts SHOVING me into her bedroom. Pushes me down on the bed, pulls out handcuffs from her drawer, cuffs me to her bed, ties my legs down with neckties, slips on a monkey blanket, basically fucking rapes me, and then it got weird.
She got herself off, got me off, pulls off the rubber, empties it into her mouth, and as I'm looking up at her, she THBBBBBTS snowballs it out all over me, stands over top straddling me, and says, and I'll never forget these words, "Its ok, I'll wash it off", and then god damned pisses all over me. Like a fucking race horse, just flushing herself out. I'm like freaking the hell out, but can't say anything because its in my best interest to keep my lips closed until Secretariat finishes her morning expulsion.
She finishes, smiling her ass off, I'm covered with a mix of my spooge and her piss, laying in a soaked bed, terrified. Her response, "Yeah, I'm definitely a little kinky." Like the classy damsel she CLEARLY was, she offered to let me shower.
I head off to her bathroom, dripping, cold, confused. I couldn't shower, I just wanted to leave, fast. I dry myself off (as I shudder while typing this), get dressed, and left quickly, not saying more than a few words. I mentioned at the beginning it was summer, right? Hot as hell outside, so that's not helping the piss that's in my hair. I roll up on a Quik Trip, buy 4 bottles of water and a travel pack of Alka Seltzer. I use 3 bottles to hose myself down in the middle of the parking lot, and the other to gargle with Alka Seltzer.
Something in the combination of being unexpectedly snowballed, pissed on by a fat housewife, 90 degree heat, cold water being dumped on my head, and a mouthful of effervescent antacid, caused me to ralph everywhere, capping off the worst 2 hours of my life.
Now please leave me alone while I go cry in a corner.[/QUOTE]