Reflections And Thoughts

Growing up I guess you can say I had a pretty decent upbringing. My parents separated and divorced during my mid teens, but that was about it. I regret putting my mom through my newly relaxed (lazy) attitude, and pretty much buzzing through high school during that time, but I never got into drugs and alcohol. Call me naive? Sometimes I guess I was, and still am from time to time.

I will never forget a Saturday morning when I was about 8-9 years old. We visited a family in which I was good friends with the youngest daughter. There were a bunch of people there, and everyone was all serious, sad, and upset. I asked my friend why, and she said that her grandfather came home the previous night really drunk, broke a bottle over her grandmothers head, then pushed her down the stairs. I couldn't understand how or why that would happen. I kept thinking about one of my grandparents doing that to the other, and I couldn't fathom it, nor did I want to. But I will never forget that day, her and I playing with HotWheels cars, and listening to her tell me what happened...we were in Elementary School.

Another thing I will never forget is later in Middle School, I asked a friend whatever happened to this one guy. We had a few classes off and on growing up, and he bounced around between family members and schools, and always seemed to be getting into trouble. The response I got back was, basically, to mind my own fucking business and that if I went through what he went through I wouldn't be talking bad about him...which I wasn't, I just wanted to know what happened to him.

Another one was a girl in my 8th grade class. She was not the most attractive girl, really big thick glasses and just dressed unkempt. She wore a button on her sweatshirt one day with a baby picture on it. I asked if it was her little brother, she said no it was her son. This was around winter, so she was pregnant in 7th grade. I couldn't fathom that either. Looking back on it now, I don't know any guy in 7th grade that would've found her attractive...so at what age was the guy and was he family?

All throughout my early school years, I kept my head down and never really considered that people had fucked up home lives. That always happened to people on tv, or in the city, but never where I lived. My home life was relatively stable, until a member of my close family tried to end it all. Not that I hadn't considered it myself, late middle school/early high school can be a bit hard on people. I never went past the thoughts, never got the knife or climbed to the roof. After my family member tried to end it, I realized that I couldn't because then I know for sure they would as well.

I guess it wasn't until I got out of HS did it really hit me that some of my friends and acquaintances really did have fucked up home lives. Looking back at it all, I feel lucky to have had that relatively stable upbringing. To have traveled, camped, rode dirt bikes and swam in the pool in the backyard.

And now I look at two news stories in the past few weeks. One being Ray Rice, the other being Will Hayden who was in the show 'Sons of Guns'.

I look at Rice and think "WHY?" "WHERE" the fuck did you learn to think that's cool? "WHEN" did you start beating women? "WHO" else and "HOW" many? I think about my friends grandmother, bleeding from the head in the back of an ambulance. I don't get it, can't understand it, won't... Knocking a woman out...that's just gutless.

I look at Hayden...and I just can't understand what drives a man to do that to a child, let alone his own. I look at this little girls life, and how forever she will have to think of her dad as the man who raped her. I think about the oldest daughter, Stephanie, who lived through it herself. I think about all the little kids I knew growing up who I now suspect were raped, molested, or beaten. How they got bounced from house to house, getting detentions and suspensions, and never coming back. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through what they did, and I hope they forgive me for looking down upon them then.

Preying on kids...I don't even want to type what I want to say...

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential ... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloé with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink; he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament ... My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon ... luge lessons ... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets ... When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking ... I suggest you try it."

- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery) -

______________________________ __

Your post is too deep. I always find it more comforting to play in the shallow end most of the time.

Maybe I really mean your post is too hurtful, and hitting too close to home. My chest locks up, and I observe myself taking shallow breaths. Barely breathing at all. All muscles tensed and locked up. My heart seizes up closing frantically. The heavily guarded walls begin to rise feeling the onset of fear take hold. I suddenly feel a hand take my hand, and instantly I feel Safe. All fear exits my heart, mind, body and soul. I take deep breaths, and relax my muscles. I bring myself back to reality, and find myself quickly grounded once again in Peace and Love. I am Thankful, so very Thankful/Grateful . "I am not where I should be, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I'm Okay. I'm on my way..."

Hence my attempt at humor with the Austin Powers quote to distract myself away from anxiety desperately trying to creep inside.

I would like to think that most of us on here (on Earth for that matter) would go to any and all lengths to save a person, especially a child.

There are three types of child sex offenders. You can look them up as I don't even want to give attention or glorify those monsters with my time and effort. So I will focus on all the Good that has come of this travesty.

They are sick people. The worst sickness one can have.

It has taken me five years of intense therapy and massive changes to say that as of today I have fully forgiven my father for the abuse, and forgiven my mother for not believing me when I told her four years ago. In fact when I did confide in her she demanded I write my dad an apology letter, or be cut out of their will. To top it off my dad made a huge scene/production calling me a liar saying I was going to hell for making up the abuse. I cut all contact with them for a few years, and subsequently was removed from their will as punishment (LOL).

The years that proceeded that horrific moment in my life four years ago have been filled with miraculous unfathomable Healing, Growth, Resolution and Restoration. Hands down they were the Worst and Best years of my life! The saying "No Pain, No Gain" is very real in my case.

Only because of my Faith was I able to make these amazing life altering Changes. I finally have a Life Worth Living...

We have since began some sort of Family Restoration only by the Grace of God. There have been no apologies from either parent, and 90% of the time I am the only healthy person putting forth any effort. However we are all on speaking terms now, and I even went to visit them in August with my family. We are not close because we are still all pretending to live on Fantasy Island where nothing ever happened. I can't pretend it never happened. They need to pretend because the Truth of it is too painful for either of them to admit to or deal with. I just know that Jesus got us this far in bringing our family together that he can probably get us the rest of the way there too. It will just take time, a whole lot of time.

I find it humorous and disconcerting when people judge me or feel sorry for me because I do this job (escorting or whatever term you want to insert here). When I started escorting, yes my past did dictate why I showed up in the hobby to begin with. Now though I do it because I am single (this is currently my entire love life), it is Fun (exciting) and it's a lucrative business that I get to run/manage/own all by myself.

No one knows all the Changes that have happened in me except for God and me. We made them together because of His Love and Promise. My purpose in Life is simply to help others find a Life Worth Living by showing them God's true, genuine Love. I can safely say that my Life is filled with True Joy, Inner Strength, Beautiful Peace and Resolved Contentment. No amount of money in the world can buy even one of these attributes. These are Priceless!

I am living proof that God can take a person's life that is filled with tragic abuse, put it into a cocoon (time period of healing, changes and forgiveness) and create a Butterfly that can finally fly to Freedom. I grow and change every day. I discover deeper levels of forgiveness and acceptance every day. I understand more about Joy, Truth and Love every day. I am now able to see the big picture of Life, and because of this I am a lot less concerned with trivialities. I am so very Thankful. Again, no one can buy any of this. It is a solely a product of blood, sweat and tears (daily work, perseverance, time and Jesus).

I hope everyone who has gone through this type of abuse is able to find some way to fully Heal. I am still on my Journey. I figure I will be on it for some time. There are still many more Changes to be made. I am just not aware of them yet. When the time is right I will find myself smack dab in the middle of another whirlwind of Change.

Childhood sexual abuse embeds deep rooted scars, and will leave a person with a life time of negative long term side effects (physically, mentally, emotionally and Spiritually), major trust issues and unconscious triggers. In layman's terms... It fucks each of us up royally.

These abusers are so sick that they can't even stop themselves even when they know how terribly it ruins the children's lives. They just do it anyway like a rabid dog unable to exhibit any self control. They make me incredibly sad because I already know the plight of these children. I know because I've lived it, and I see other girls currently living it. It's unbelievably gut wrenching.

Ladies (and Gentlemen), if you are reading this feeling like your inner voice is nudging you telling you that now is the time to do something about your past childhood sexual abuse, please contact MOCSA. Even if you just call their hotline anonymously to talk to someone who will listen until you feel better.

MOCSA is a free therapy organization for any children currently being sexually abused as well as for adults who were sexually abused as children. They see men and women (boys and girls). They also treat the sex offenders, but they do NOT do this in the same office building. The only people you will see there will be others who are in the same boat as you. You will never be in contact with any of the offenders.

MOCSA has group therapy which is 1 1/2 hours once a week. They also have individual therapy that you can do 1 hour a week as well. You can do both at the same time, or just one. I did both because I wanted to get the most out of their program that I possibly could.

I will be honest, and let you know this beforehand so that you are fully prepared for this Journey...
It will be the most painful thing you have ever experienced in your entire life, but when it's all said and done it will prove to be the Best Decision that you have ever made. They are super busy so keep calling until you get yourself into their program. You Deserve This!

MOCSA
Phone: (816) 931-4527
Hotline (answered 24 hours/7 days a week): Press 3
Website: http://www.mocsa.org/

Now read my intro again to lighten this heavy energy so you can all leave with a Smile on your face...

Create A Life Worth Living

It must've been pretty hard to type that, though I'm glad you did.