Joke of the Day

What did the elephant say to the naked man?


"It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

A woman puts out an ad in the personals section.

"I'm looking for a man who won't run around on me, won't beat me, and is good in bed".

After a few connections, she decides to give one guy her address. The next day the doorbell rings. She opens the door to see a quadriplegic sitting in a wheelchair.

"Can I help you?" She asks.
"I'm here about the personals ad."
Confused, she says "ok, please explain."
"Well, you said you want a man who won't run around on you. And I have no legs."
"Hmm, ok" she says.
"And you want a man who won't beat you. And I have no arms."
"Hmm, ok. But what about the good in bed part?" She asks.
With a smile, he says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping center that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks…

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and shit in your purse. What more do you want?"

Long ago when I was a lot younger I had to see my Dr. about my orange dick.
Tests were run and came back with no problems.
The Doc, asked me to tell him my daily routine.
I told him that I was working a 12 on 12 off shift. On my way home each day I stopped and got a 12 pack and a snack. Went home watched TV went to bed.
That did not answer his question. He wanted more detail.
I answered with I drank the 12 pack and snacked while watching porn till bed time.He then asked what were the snacks I was eating?
....I answered with Cheetos.

How are blondes and 747 alike?
They both have black boxes.

How are they different?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

How are Blondes and bowling balls different?
You can only stick 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

How do Blondes turn on the lights after sex?
Open the car door.

He see's the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

How are Blondes and bowling balls different?
You can only stick 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Originally Posted by stevejones1969

TFF!

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping center that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks…

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better! Originally Posted by Little Monster

I have been telling this joke for years and have never heard anyone else give it a shot. I think I first heard it when i was in my teens. Great joke.

I have been telling this joke for years and have never heard anyone else give it a shot. I think I first heard it when i was in my teens. Great joke. Originally Posted by ridemcowboy

Good Ol' facebook!!

video.php?v=688869327848477&se t=vb.577901608945250&type=2&th eater

Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, Nora, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in." They both have a seat in the kitchen. "You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both."

Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the table.

Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any longer, so he leaves.

A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says "Your weird friend, Chris, came over this afternoon."

Replies Tony, "Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

Know how to get a sorority girl to suck your dick?
Dip it in Ranch dressing.