Interesting topic
My thoughts and observtions:
1) When this does happen, for the reasons you mentioned plus, any variety of medications that can cause ED - I offer some form of this firm but, gentle reminder to my partner/lover/client.
"This isn't a 'contest' judging how hard you get. When you think about it, an erect cock serves the biological purpose of delivering sperm, to a cervix, so a woman can get pregnant (if that is the goal) or for the purpose of just good ol' intercourse .
Right now, my focus and my desire is to give you pleasure. I have a sneaking suspicion your cock is going to be happy and feel every intense sensation whether he is hard or not." (Usually, at this point, my partner/client admits that that is very true).
*Note: Most men can still orgasm w/o an erection if they just let go and relax
2)A gentleman introduced me to using a cockring/band as a way of increasing his pleasure, in that it pulled his balls and flaccid cock together.
By having the 'boys' right there w/ his cock - it allowed me to use my hands/mouth in a more concentrated area.
It also restricted the blood flow to his cock which made it harder and fuller. His orgasm, according to him, was more intense for this reason.
3)It is easy to get caught in a mindset that sex is systematic - follow the steps and it should ALWAYS flow smoothly w/ the optimum outcome.
I personally believe that those expectations can lead to feelings of shame and assuming no one else is going through the same challenges.
Letting go of the belief that your masculinity is tied to a raging hard-on isn't easy. But, if you are willing to try - you will find pleasure at a far deeper level.
If a man is moaning and expressing pleasure, flaccid or otherwise - that is a turn on...powerful...erotic.
xo,
A