For the old guys!

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A manwas telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the
senior center and hang out with the guys.


I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier!

Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife.
I’m giving up golf.. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the airway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I can’t remember!”

Now Children, it is unfair to pick on us old Guys.
Those are some good stories. But I probably qualify for a few of them!!
Thanks Omahan, Ictpssylvr and Miss_Mya.

I just got off the phone with friend in Minnesota.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and
the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he
may have to let her in.

So, Omahan, COG and I were out having coffee, when Omahan started complaining about his bowel movements.

He said, "Every morning, I sit on the john for an hour and push and strain as hard as I can. If I'm lucky out comes a piece the size of a pea."

I chimed in " I can relate to getting old, everynight I get up to pee at least 4 times. I'll stand there and if I'm lucky, maybe I'll squeeze out a drop or two."

Cog looked at us in bewilderment. "I don't know what you guys are complaining about. Every morning,at 6 o'clock on the nose, well, I piss like a race horse. Why, I must piss a whole gallon." He continued, "Then I have a nice big soft stool, don't have to strain a bit."

Omahan glared at COG and asked "Well, what's so bad about that?"

COG replied, "I don't wake up until 7."

Mike, I asked you not to share that story! The rest of the story is that at 7:00, I say good by to the lady, and go home.

I'll play...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knit his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to
his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?

His friend replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know. The one that is red and has
thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes. Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man said. He then turned toward
the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"

A couple a months ago I was standing at the craps table at Harrahs.
The table was really "hot"!! A beautiful blonde joined the table.
After a few minutes of staring at her beauty I picked up a stack of $100 chips and asked her if she would consider spending and hour with me in my room for these chips? She thought about it and agreed. I then picked up a $5 dollar chip and asked her if she would spend a hour with me for this $ 5 chip? She then got all indignent. And said to me "What do you think I'm a Hoe?" I told her "We have already exstablished that, We are just negociating price now."

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Thanks all! You made my day!