This is who we are... or, at least, who I am (tl; wr?)

Been doing a bit of soul-searching of late, trying to figure out how I stumbled into this thing of ours and how it fits into my self-image. Since I really don't have anyone in the daylight world to talk to about this, and since I think by writing and responding, game is on:

My great-uncle Ray was a Southern gangster of a sort that I think's dying out. He'd done a couple of years for hijacking a truck when he was a kid and, rather than going straight, got an education. He never did any time after that, but he never really had a job that could justify the sort of income he was pulling down. Ray gave my folks a refrigerator and chest freezer for a wedding present, bought a new Cadillac every year until he died and claimed to be a part-time bartender and day laborer. He served a real, very nebulous purpose in his little North Carolina town, though, and was largely left alone to do what he would've done anyway.

Good guy. Funny. Knew dozens of card tricks, taught me to drive fast on back roads with the lights off and had a rule for everything. Some of them didn't make sense to me until I grew up ("Always have a tailor who knows what you like to keep in your pockets" made no sense until I actually got a tailor who factored in my Blackberry and my wallet.) Some of them made sense, but not for any sort of life I wanted to live (although it makes sense, I've never stashed a gun as far away from my home as I can run at a dead sprint.) Some of them made perfect sense from go... "It's better than digging a ditch" is, well, self-evident. There's plenty better than digging a ditch, and it takes a good spate of ditch-digging to appreciate the truth of that.

The one that I'd pretty much tossed out the window as one of those that made sense for someone else's life was "You're doing well if you've got a wife, a mistress and a gal on the side. If you can get two, you don't need the third." I'd figured that I wasn't that guy, because that guy'd be a whole lot more tired than I'd like to be.

And yet... and yet.

I've been a very, very occasional hobbyist... used to be about once a quarter, now I'm about once or twice a year. Tend toward well-reviewed out-of-towners for protection and to minimize uncomfortable meetings at the grocery store, but that hasn't been a universal thing. I'm a daily browser and review-reader, though.

As my marriage has gone steadily from being a sham to being a travesty, I've realized what I've been looking for and what doesn't seem to have clicked. I actually do want the wife, the mistress and the gal on the side. I'd like someone to go home to, share the chores and bills with and watch my kids grow up with. I want the wife stuff, and my wife's... not there. Won't be there, for reasons that don't need to be discussed and, ultimately, don't matter.

I'd also like someone whose eyes light up when she sees me. I'd like to have the world close around us when we're together, and I'd like to have someone who feels like I'm worth the extra effort and who appreciates it when I take the extra effort. I'd like someone who gives a damn about my day when she asks about it, or at least cares enough to feign interest. So, the mistress thing makes sense.

Of late, though, the girl on the side has started to make sense too. Might be the fact that I'm forced-marching to the grave, but there's a certain perverse appeal in getting my ass kicked by someone who really ought not be around someone like me at ALL. There's something to be said for feeling vaguely ashamed and guilty for inflicting myself on someone young and beautiful, which is probably a lot of the reason I used to go to strip clubs as much as I did before I took the leap.

I'm forced to wonder how far afield I am, as hobbyists go. I could easily see myself becoming a regular of someone who could hit two of those three categories (or, for that matter, knock one of the three out of the park,) but I could also see myself drifting in and out of the thing as finances and time permit... which, ultimately, is its own thing. It's just a touch sad and funny, and it seems like an odd way to live, but it's certainly better than digging a ditch.

Are you writing a book pal, feeling guilty so you want someone to justify to you why you cheat on your wife, what exactly is this jibberish about.

Definitely tl;dr

Mid-life.

@dirty dog - Actually, trying to figure out how to make this thing work for me more than anything else. If I felt guilty, I wouldn't do it... and since I haven't actually done it for a good long time, now, wondering why not. Combine that with the fact that I don't really talk to many people and I got a whole hell of a lot wordy. Middle of the night, mind wandered. Sorry about that.

No need to be sorry, minds wander; nothing wrong with that. Folks that don't like it, don't have to read your post. The hobby fills a void in my life. I do it cause I like it. It's just that simple for me.

@dirty dog - Actually, trying to figure out how to make this thing work for me more than anything else. If I felt guilty, I wouldn't do it... and since I haven't actually done it for a good long time, now, wondering why not. Combine that with the fact that I don't really talk to many people and I got a whole hell of a lot wordy. Middle of the night, mind wandered. Sorry about that. Originally Posted by that1guy

After on again off again forays into the life style and some soul searching, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not proud of my participation nor am I ashamed. Like it or not, it's who I am, and let's face it, when it's done correctly it sure can be fun.

We all hobby at our own pace, based on need and budget for sure. Whatever works for you, if it fills the void, meets your needs, hobby away. There are some on here that hobby weekly, some not as frequently, but it's all about choice.
Do it, enjoy yourself, don't look back with regrets.

To each his own....but as for myself

I am having a blast with the hobby!!!!!