if you were going to make a friend, what's important

following reese, err, following up on reese's fantastic posts about friendships in the hobby, ......

if you decided, consciously or unconsciously, that you wanted to become friends with someone in the hobby, male or female, ... and i understand that's a BIG IF ... and that the definition of "friend" will vary widely ....

what characteristics in that person would be more important than others? what characteristics would be a total turnoff and not make them a potential friend? what characteristics would cause you to end the friendship [that's assuming they "sprung it on you" or started showing it sometime after you started the friendship].

would your answer be the same or different if the person was NOT in the hobby in any way, shape or form?


i asked cos over the past 10 yrs, i have met several women and men in our little sub-culture. when i look at me and at them and others, i wonder what it is about me that led some to be involved w/ me [limited friendships as there is that BIG line separating us]. and i sometimes wonder why others have chosen to get involved w/ others whom i would not consider.


for me, it'd be mutual non-hobby interests, candor/straightforwardness/down-to-earthness, humor, laid backness, and understanding that it'd be a now and again thing, not a weekly or frequent hanging together time. [that's why i said it'd be a limited friendship].

and i wouldnt be able to always offer a shoulder to cry on, to be there to help move/fix/replace something, to give you a ride, etc. it'd be more along the lines of let's meet for lunch or dinner or drinks.

like i said, just wondering about what makes some of us tick.....

Start with TRUST. From there, lotsa ways to go.

Start with TRUST. From there, lotsa ways to go. Originally Posted by tigercat

Definitely agree with you!

Starting with trust reminds me of the scene in Silverado where Kevin Kline is lying in the sand and waiting to die in the desert. "You approach life like everyone's your friend or no one is. Doesn't make much difference."

Definitely agree with you! Originally Posted by txhunter56

Makes 3 of us of the same mind... though then you add things you have in common, general feeling of comfort - that is, you simply 'like' each other, and humor. Short of paying a fee, if a girl is comfortable enough to laugh around you and enjoys your company.... many things ARE indeed possible.

That was a very good question from the op. I have seen a couple of ladies that are charming, intelligent and quite interesting. If we were to meet at say, work, social event or public place, and I was unaware of her current provider status, I believe we could be very good friends. Unfortunately, I think it is the providers issue with forming a friendship with the client. Ground rules need to be laid out, clearly, when working and socializing. I for one could separate the friendship from the work. But I do not see the issue with the providers being unable to socialize with a fellow, she obviously enjoys the company of, in a non-sexual way. Just to see a movie, dinner, museum, or sporting event socially may be fun. We do those kinda things with a lot of other people. The only issue is the $. If they are on a "date" and playtime is expected at the end of the evening, then, they need to be compensated. Indeed, having respect for boundaries and honest, upfront ground rules could be very helpful for fostering a friendship. If your not careful, you may have a great time, without sex!!! Wow, what a concept!

Pmdelites - great thread.

I have made several friends from the hobby. I cherish them each in different ways.

From a female perspective befriending another female (in the hobby) takes TIME. Time - to tell what their intentions are (unfortunately there are some ladies with some "agendas" for becoming your friend). Time - to see if they are trustworthy to keep all of our "hooker secrets" or if they are gabby cathys. Time - to see if they want the friendship to ONLY include hobby-related events, or if they want you as a friend in their civi life as well. I prefer the latter, but only if the lady is trustworthy & wants the friendship that I have to offer. It takes being a friend, to have a friend.
I don't have time for "fake friends" in my life.
I've been outed once (by a provider, in years past) and it is not something I'd enjoy doing again. Becoming a friend with another female in the hobby takes more trust than just a normal civi friend, I think, because you have so much more to loose if they become upset, etc. It's best to be yourself up front (without sharing your deepest darkest secrets) until you figure out whether or not that person has boundaries & is "friend-worthy".

Boundaries are very important in both FEMALE and MALE friendships within the hobby. They can make or break friendships. I've found some of my closest friends in my life right now, through the hobby, and I am thankful that I have them.

Being a provider having MALE friends is alot less tricky (I think). I have a few gents that call up and say "let's grab lunch/dinner" OTC and it be just that (these are usually the married ones, lol). Then, there are those that want me to go with them to a movie, have a drink, or watch a fight, every now and then OTC (if we both are not busy) and that's fine too...if I enjoy your company and you make me laugh.

The ones that come and help me out with a flat tire (UCL)...or when I have had 1 too many cocktails (Boltfan)... they are my angels! And since I am a fair person, offer *special* rewards as my gratitude for them.


It all depends on where you are in your life, and how you view people in the hobby. I prefer to view them as PEOPLE, not just dollar signs. But that's just me.

True, this is a business, but even in business it's nice to have friends.


XOXO,
ItalianaPrincess

I remain friends with a lady I met following my divorce that provided me with some long-neeed release. While chatting we discovered we each had a child around the same age. I know that the jaded among us will say "she was just faking the "connection" part but I sensed it was genuine and asked her out for lunch. She didn't expect to be compensated for her time and we ended up having a 2 hr. lunch. Finally turned into us exchanging babysitting when one of us had to "hit the road" or other obligations came up. Finally ened up with movie nites at my palce where she'd sleep over. Sometimes something happened in bed..other times we just slept like a pair of exhausted parents desperate for 8 hours rest.
I moved away. She's into another line of work. We still chat, though our dates have dwindled to once or twice a year since both of us are married again. I echo prior posters' observations; namely a connection, similar experiences in life, trust.
Also have friends from high school, college, graduate school, law school, business friends, former lovers and drink buddies. Life's not being lived without friends and family!

I second Italiana's points.

To sum it up for me, as far as characteristics are concerned, are the same things we all look for in friends in any arena. Things can't be one-sided for any friendship to work, and like any friendship, boundaries must be set within the parameters of the way the friendship was formed.

Girls or guys in this industry will never visit my home, or know my real name or any other personally identifying information (shit, it's starting to get like this in my real life too. You get users/master networkers that try to cling to you to get what they can from you.). We can talk about anything under the sun, be completely honest about our feelings to each other, or share a multitude of interests, but our personal information will be our only boundary. If you can live with that, we can be the best of friends. It works quite well, I might add. I have no shortage of friends who can/have respected our friendships for years.

When there is a customer - seller relationship, it is hard for either side to trust the other.

The customer suspects the seller is sucking up and the seller suspects the customer is angling for a better price.

Over time this can be overcome. My opinion is that it cannot be truly overcome until after the custmer - seller relationship is completed.

Which sucks because I want a friend I can fuck whenever I want without any sort of compensation!!!! hahahahahaha.......


Bigcranium = elevated self regard....not the other.....

Pmdelites - great thread.

I have made several friends from the hobby. I cherish them each in different ways.

From a female perspective befriending another female (in the hobby) takes TIME. Time - to tell what their intentions are (unfortunately there are some ladies with some "agendas" for becoming your friend). Time - to see if they are trustworthy to keep all of our "hooker secrets" or if they are gabby cathys. Time - to see if they want the friendship to ONLY include hobby-related events, or if they want you as a friend in their civi life as well. I prefer the latter, but only if the lady is trustworthy & wants the friendship that I have to offer. It takes being a friend, to have a friend.
I don't have time for "fake friends" in my life.
I've been outed once (by a provider, in years past) and it is not something I'd enjoy doing again. Becoming a friend with another female in the hobby takes more trust than just a normal civi friend, I think, because you have so much more to loose if they become upset, etc. It's best to be yourself up front (without sharing your deepest darkest secrets) until you figure out whether or not that person has boundaries & is "friend-worthy".

Boundaries are very important in both FEMALE and MALE friendships within the hobby. They can make or break friendships. I've found some of my closest friends in my life right now, through the hobby, and I am thankful that I have them.

Being a provider having MALE friends is alot less tricky (I think). I have a few gents that call up and say "let's grab lunch/dinner" OTC and it be just that (these are usually the married ones, lol). Then, there are those that want me to go with them to a movie, have a drink, or watch a fight, every now and then OTC (if we both are not busy) and that's fine too...if I enjoy your company and you make me laugh.

The ones that come and help me out with a flat tire (UCL)...or when I have had 1 too many cocktails (Boltfan)... they are my angels! And since I am a fair person, offer *special* rewards as my gratitude for them.


It all depends on where you are in your life, and how you view people in the hobby. I prefer to view them as PEOPLE, not just dollar signs. But that's just me.

True, this is a business, but even in business it's nice to have friends.


XOXO,
ItalianaPrincess Originally Posted by ItalianaPrincess

Though we have never met IP I do like what you said. Does not matter how you met someone, what matters is the connection on a personal level that determines whether or not the two can become real friends outside the business. Along with the connection comes a lot of trust and respect for each other.

el gato, if i was able to do so, IP would be one of about a handful of persons i'd become friends with.

but there is a BIG line between her and me that i choose not to cross, tempting as it may be. [or temptress as she may be, in IP's case]
however, i can be friends with her for 1 to 1.5 hrs at a time.
which we intend to do real soon!!!

Whats important in a friend?????

BIG TITS!!!!

And yes large saggy man breasts count just as much!!!

When there is a customer - seller relationship, it is hard for either side to trust the other.

The customer suspects the seller is sucking up and the seller suspects the customer is angling for a better price.

Over time this can be overcome. My opinion is that it cannot be truly overcome until after the custmer - seller relationship is completed.

Which sucks because I want a friend I can fuck whenever I want without any sort of compensation!!!! hahahahahaha.......


Bigcranium = elevated self regard....not the other..... Originally Posted by bigcranium

Yeah, that's a more schizophrenic way to look at things, but not wrong....
This is a human business. This isn't EXACTLY a meat market. A part of showing a lady your friendship in this business is to in fact pay her rates without question. Even if you do it for as much time as she needs to drop 20 bucks off her going rate, will it really be worth it? What's wrong with a gift certificate to get her nails done because you noticed she had a band-aid over one of her acrylics?

What I'm talking about is when she can takes the time out and remember an important day of your life, or sending you a picture of a completed version of the 57 Chevy you've got taking up room in your garage to give you a little motivation to finish marking the pistons for the engine rebuild. DVR'ing the game your favorite team's playing while you're at her place to catch you up because you booked an appointment during the second half, and giving you a beer and an extra half hour to watch before she distracts you with- well, you know what distracts you...

That's the kind of friendship I'm talking about. It doesn't have to mean crying on your shoulder about bills, shit you're going through with the wife, or anything deep. Just someone cool and hot to hang out with.

What you wrote sounds right. Friends lite!

I did not mean for my post to sound so mercenary and cold. What you all provide is priceless for a price. Thanks!