For the New Guys jff

Just coming off of being one of the new guys, I know how hard it is to know the ins and outs. With that knowledge, I offer the following top ten things all hobbyists need to know when venturing out into this mysterious and wonderful land we call, "The Hobby":


1. Take a sh*t before you get to her incall: "I'll be out in a minute, go ahead and get started". Not a good way to start the date.

2. Don't f*ck up the donation: Accidentally shorting a provider is equivalent to a nuclear first strike between countries. She will start off by having an aneurism and will follow with raging fits. She will then post an alert that discusses your mother, sexual orientation, penis size, etc. Finally, your photo and personal information will be entered into the badhobbyist.gov website and you'll begin seeing your photo on the wall at the post office. This offense is taken very seriously so don't do it. It's almost as bad as showing up to your appointment with bad breath.

3. If your provider greets you as soon as you walk in the door by saying, "Get on your knees you little bitch!", you can be assured of two things: 1. You'll be biting a pillow at some point during the evening, and 2. You will need counseling the following day. Keep in mind that she is a professional and you are going to get through this. Best to do what you're told and not make eye contact.

4. When requesting dress-up, be reasonable. She is not going to have a dentist outfit in her closet. Also, start off slow until you get the hang of it. If you request school cafeteria lady right off the bat you may get more than you bargained for.

5. Statistically, every three visits at least one provider will fart. They think we don't notice because we never let on. Don't let on. Be a man and stay on the job. We are never allowed to fart, ever. That's what marriage is for.

6. Age: Gentlemen ages 18 to 28 must wear two industrial strength condoms for each field goal attempt (you jack-hammering bastards). 30 to 45 must wear one regular condom per attempt, and 46 and above must take one condom split it in half, cover the face of the penis and write R.I.P., because admit it, you're just there for the view (before anyone shits themselves, this is my category so settle down). 29 year-olds go bareback, but that can vary depending on what state you live in.

7. What to wear: Everyone dresses as the UPS guy to avoid suspicion. You'll have to order the brown shorts online.

8. Restraints: It is not appropriate for you to restrain the provider. It is normal and accepted for the provider to restrain you, especially if you met her on BP. Ask for the 15 minute special: she handcuffs you to the bed, empty's your wallet, then she walks out and a nice gentleman comes in a punches you in the balls.

9. You know how much fun it is to look at the photos in the ads? You're supposed to read the text also. "You didn't want to visit a lady who is a one-legged Russian wrestler? You should have read the ad."

10. Part of your initiation is to start a top ten thread in Coed. Top ten reasons hobbying makes men old and fat has already been done.


Cleanliness was in the top ten in previous years, but modern women are not as concerned about this. In fact a little ball musk usually warms her up nicely.

Please feel free to comment, modify, or begin your own.

6. Age: Gentlemen ages 18 to 28 must wear two industrial strength condoms for each field goal attempt (you jack-hammering bastards). 30 to 45 must wear one regular condom per attempt, and 46 and above must take one condom split it in half, cover the face of the penis and write R.I.P., because admit it, you're just there for the view (before anyone shits themselves, this is my category so settle down). 29 year-olds go bareback, but that can vary depending on what state you live in.

Why wear two condoms? I can't feel shit with ONE condom on, much less two! LOL Besides, wearing multiple covers greatly increases the chance of the covers busting open and scaring the crap out of both parties.

I'm speechless...and that says a lot! (lol) Awesome thread, but need to comment on this:

Cleanliness was in the top ten in previous years, but modern women are not as concerned about this. In fact a little ball musk usually warms her up nicely.

A little ball musk does not mean...leaving klingons behind!

#1 reminds me of a thread that showed up on another board where a guy spent 30mins taking a dump at an incall and was pissed when the provider counted towards his scheduled time..



And make sure you're thoroughly clean after taking that dump..

I'm OCD about getting the donation right and being clean all over..

Hi Nikki.

I think that you and Marcus get the blue ribbons for avatars. Nice to see them together.

...leaving klingons behind! Originally Posted by Likinikki

...Gross! Please tell me this doesn't happen.

Ok, JacobJ...I won't!!! (lol)

I'm speechless...and that says a lot! (lol) Awesome thread, but need to comment on this:


A little ball musk does not mean...leaving klingons behind! Originally Posted by Likinikki

Ha me too...Great thread (wee)

7. What to wear: Everyone dresses as the UPS guy to avoid suspicion. You'll have to order the brown shorts online.

I like that LOL

5. Statistically, every three visits at least one provider will fart. They think we don't notice because we never let on. Don't let on. Be a man and stay on the job. We are never allowed to fart, ever. That's what marriage is for.

What??? Providers don't *fart,* we *queiff!*

@ JacobJ....Thank you for some great giggles and "laugh-out louds" this Saturday evening!!

@ Likinikki...Thank you for the additional commentary & clarifications...TOO Funny!!!

I think that statistic is a little off. I have *queiffed* like once every other month ( atleast that I recall), depending on how I get fucked

Whats wrong with an occasional queiff between friends!

What??? Providers don't *fart,* we *queiff!* Originally Posted by Likinikki

lol

From Likinikki: What??? Providers don't *fart,* we *queiff!*
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I've been the hobby for more than 20 years now, and the term quieff is actually a "pussy fart" (commonly occurs when a pencil dick pushes air into a strechted out pussy), thats why only women can have one. Though gay or bisexual bottom men often sound the same. The term quieff has been around a long time already, for those of us with more experience. It is also a good slang term for an arrogant personn full of a lot of hot air, that really doesn't know what they are talking about.

ah a quieff in the proper perspective.

I think that statistic is a little off. I have *queiffed* like once every other month ( atleast that I recall), depending on how I get fucked Originally Posted by Pepper_Springfield