Dominance / submission - where does it come from for you?

tex engnr posted an excellent review about his recent encounter w/ Sexy Shiloh.

he wrote in a follow-up

Thank you for your kind replies to my review. Indeed, I see Dominance as far deeper than just "taking it". Submission is a gift. A gift given from a position of strength. It takes a strong woman, strong in intellect, heart and character to have the courage to offer such an amazing gift. If it were not so, I would find it uninteresting. And I must add, it is founded on deep trust; mutual trust. And, such trust can only exist with deep respect; mutual respect.
Shiloh has provided a few photos of herself in my bondage. I'll figure out how to post photos and add them to this thread. I am honored that she wishes me to do this. Originally Posted by TexEngnr

i agree w/ the text i bolded.
years ago, not long after my first submissive friend introduced me to these activities, i read that the submissive really has the control in the encounter - she or he is giving some of that control to the Dominant but she/he has the final call on what's acceptable and what's not [can we say "safe word"?? i thought we could!]. and i understand that part of the encounter is about the D pushing the s past some boundaries [mental, physical, emotional, financial (just kidding about that last one)]. but, i believe that it's not about pushing past those boundaries without regard for the s.

that's why i say that for me and for it to work well, i believe that Submission should come from strength not weakness.

so, it came as a surprise to me when i discussed this w/ my friend. she vehemently believed and said that the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant. period, end of discussion. she seriously believed that and totally dismissed my mentioning that a submissive had writtent the article and i was just agreeing w/ that person's thoughts.

so, where do you think a great Dominance / submission relationship comes from - strength or weakness?

As it is the Subs script, the Subs fantasy and for the Subs pleasure that the Dom directs, controls and delivers the role......Yes the Sub is getting as they desire.......We are both actors in their script, Im the director, but they wrote the script and it is their desire that it is played out............To me this is true in the hobby world and the BDSM world. I get off on giving pleasure, and controlling that pleasure, taking them to new heights.....I can come home and jack myself off anytime, but I can not Mind Fuck myself. I need my dopamine feed as well as the Sub does...........So no, Sub does not mean weaker to me. They are the ones allowing the Doms to do the work and give them just what the want. And them placing their trust in me to deliver is an honor.

You've asked a simple question of what can be a complex subject. But, my simple answer is that it is a strength. Revealing one's inner most self, and one's needs can't be anything but a strength in my book.

For me to seek out a Mistress to do a script knowing that I am telling her to take control of me is still all about me and the Mistress as she is giving me the pleasure that I seek. For her to get off by getting me off is awesome...the control and dominance over the submissiveness seems to me to be a shared pleasure for both...the mixture of released control and the taking of control go hand in hand, without one or the other you have no script and no meeting of the minds, nothing but a pure out of control behavior that only a safe word can help to intervene....Without trust at it's basic level it can lead to an undesired script. To answer the OP's question it is neither. As one person gives up control and power, he is giving it up willingly and freely for a desired effect and he can easily regain the control and power at any time with a safe word and that is in no way a sign of weakness or strength on either party...ijs

Thank you pmd for commenting on my thoughts.

That post was an accurate, if terribly brief expression of my views. I agree that the Dom's control is illusory. The Dom has a responsibility to establish an environment of trust, allowing the sub to relax into vulnerably. Also the Dom has the burden of planning and directing the play, but a successful scene is based on knowledge of the sub. Knowing the limits, absolutely honoring hard limits while pushing soft limits. The scene is planned around the sub. I derive great pleasure from bondage, service and impact play, but not at the expense of pleasure for the sub. No Dom wants to hear a safe word that brings the play to a stop - thankfully I never have.

A quick note is required here: should a scene go too far for a sub, and a safe word used, I would grab my safety shears, cut away the bondage immediately, and with tenderness and compassion, comfort the sub. After some recovery time, I would gently explore what went wrong and learn from that to hopefully never have it happen again.

On the surface it is all about the Dom, but the deeper truth is that it is all about Dom and sub alike. Without mutual pleasure, what's the point?

Safe, Sane, and Consensual is the mantra of BDSM players.

The nature of play which meets that basic understanding is as varied as the players. A good general understanding of the subs limits and the Domme's preferences before activities commence is key, as is a safe word.

There are those who like to play with very detailed, elaborate scripts. I am not one of those people.

Within my basic limits, I love role play--in which there is some kind of back story involving roles we can both inhabit and then improvise. I certainly let the Domme know beforehand what things I love most, but I want her to enjoy our time together just as much, and personally I love being surprised--so in my preferred play the Domme has a great deal of latitude.

I think that BDSM is best for me when both participants really get into the roles they are playing and it feels "real".

Just my 2 cents.

I have to make a thousand decisions a day and have to control 150 or so employees 7 days a week in my business. It is such a relief to me to just give over the control and the only decision I have to make is when it hurts too much....I am not a major glutton for pain, but some along the way is oh so nice. Personally, it takes a lot of strength to give it up completely and just allow my mistress to run wild with me, trying anything that might pop into her head. Most dominant females I have been with are very intelligent and strong (not necessarily a physical quality-I had a long term relationship with a dominant female that was 4-11 and weighed about 90 lbs-she just knew how to push my buttons). I love to go over my limits, let her come up with her outrageous ideas and finish our time together over a glass of wine and both having a smile.

This is an interesting topic for me. I was in a relationship with a sub-lady, though I didn't really realize it at the time. We tried a few mild scenarios, but I was not creative or comfortable enough at being very domineering. If she yelped at a solid swat, I was taken aback that I'd hurt her. I don't think I found the pleasure/pain combo.

pmdelites,

Thank you for such a great topic. With what you believe, I completely agree with it.

I believe that your lady friend is wrong. And I also always think that people with that view are somewhat shortsighted. Although I'm sure in her heart, she means what she is sharing with you.

Regardless, this is an IMPORTANT topic which is why when I read what TexEngnr wrote, I "got" it. And smiled a little bit while reading what he wrote, too.

Although the submissive does have a lot of power, I see this whole thing as being something of a dance. An erotic and dark dance.

And the tango works particular well when there is chemistry and mutual understanding. I suppose that if a sub feels that she is handing over all control, that's fine as long as she is safe.

In a way ... I could see her feeling that. To me, when I have done this, I also see my submission (which I don't do anymore but am still open to it) as being a sincere and VERY real gift to another person.

In my world as an escort, though, I see my role as being a gift as well. As I'm sympathetic, or sincerely try to be, to my lover's desires.

I have sincerely enjoyed what others have written. It's very eye opening and also shows me that many of us in Another Realm contain a lot of personal good, wonderful and complex qualities.

Thank you ...

I have to make a thousand decisions a day and have to control 150 or so employees 7 days a week in my business. It is such a relief to me to just give over the control and the only decision I have to make is when it hurts too much....I am not a major glutton for pain, but some along the way is oh so nice. Personally, it takes a lot of strength to give it up completely and just allow my mistress to run wild with me, trying anything that might pop into her head. Most dominant females I have been with are very intelligent and strong (not necessarily a physical quality-I had a long term relationship with a dominant female that was 4-11 and weighed about 90 lbs-she just knew how to push my buttons). I love to go over my limits, let her come up with her outrageous ideas and finish our time together over a glass of wine and both having a smile. Originally Posted by The Big Kahuna

This is exactly what so many of my friends tell me as well. Thank you!!!

XXOXXO

Here here!

Kahuna, You hit the nail on the head with your comments. That is exactly how I feel regarding domination. There are so few providers in our hobby that can fit the bill. It is amazing how many reportedly provide dominance but when it comes down to it they are just attempting to reel you in to an appointment. Conversely there are a few that I have found that exactly fit my needs and desires. Lindsey Lacy immediately comes to mind. Athena, we have never met but reading your posts it seems like you would most definitely be on the short list of those that pride themselves in truly knowing how & when to pull someone's strings (or should I say ropes).

Just my $0.02