I just read Mike123's post about his SO catching onto his "hobby":
http://www.eccie.net/showpost.php?p=3231402&postcount=1
I decided against posting these ancient words of wisdom as a reply, that can quickly get lost. I wish it were posted as a "Sticky" somewhere, or made required reading for those of you who have SO's. I have a coworker and good friend who's been going through hell for well over half a year because he neglected these fundamental precautions. Provided, for your reading pleasure, are the hyperlink and the copied-and-pasted text:
http://www.eccie.net/showpost.php?p=289141&postcount=1
(Please feel free to share the lessons of your own experiences, keeping the discussion on track: what precautions you have found useful, and why.)
A HOBBY PRIMER FOR THE MARRIED MAN...20 YEARS OF BATTLE SCARS
I did not write this. I claim no credit for what is written below. I copied this off the old site before it went down. Perhaps the person that wrote it is active on ECCIE? If so please take credit for writing it. I have added a few comments below, please feel free to add your own ideas etc.
Woody
I have taken a lot from a*$& and have decided to give something back. The membership has gotten so big that I want to give the new hobbyists that are married some trade secrets that I have acquired through experience. This post will be idle curiosity or maybe future reference for the single guys and the seasoned vets will simply nod in agreement or hopefully add some things that I omitted.
While this is not my entire hobby primer, it will hit on some main themes that I believe are essential for the married guy.
Anyone who has been married over 20 years, and has been in the hobby from the git-go, and has never been caught, is either very lucky, is doing something right, or a combo of both. The following info is a collection of common sense and lessons learned.
I am going to expound on what I consider the four main issues and attitudes that must be adhered to if you want to avoid getting caught. They are as follows:
1. ALWAYS STAY 2 TO 4 STEPS AHEAD OF HER, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE TINIEST DETAIL.
2. DO NOT VARY YOUR GENERAL LIFE PATTERNS AND HABITS.
3. IF YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE A "BEARD", THEN GET ONE... HE'S THE GUY THAT YOU BLAME EVERYTHING ON.
4. DENY! DENY! DENY!
Here we go...
1.ALWAYS STAY 2 TO 4 STEPS AHEAD OF HER, DOWN TO THE TINIEST DETAIL Physical evidence is the enemy. You need a place to shower and get back to looking and smelling like you did when you left the house. This can be the hotel, her incall or a health club. Always use the same type of soap, shampoo, deodorant, hairspray, cologne etc. My wife can tell when I switch deodorants. If you have an ATF or two, give them a bag of your toiletries to bring to your sessions... don't leave these items in the trunk of your car unless you can explain that away. If the wife says something about you smelling different, then tell her that the health club had some new stuff you tried out. (My SO’s nose is unbelievable, I get home …she gives me a hug, and I get the sniff test. I once gave a hug to an old friend and client of mine at work… she had on a lot of perfume… it was just a 2 second hug…and my SO knew and commented that I smelled different. Luckily she also knew this person...and knew I was going to see her at work…plus I am sure I was totally convincing because this was not a hobby encounter. Lesson learned…..I bring the same soap that I use in the morning and use it after a hobby visit…then a small dose of the SAME cologne the goal is to smell the same way every day you go home …WC)
Have the provider give you a once over... twice! (Good advice, I once came back to work with my pant leg stuck in my sock….would have never know about it…but my secretary gave me a funny look when I walked it…..imagine having to explain to your SO why your pant leg is in your sock at 6:00PM! ....WC) Most providers are smart enough not to wear heavily scented anything...for your benefit. If for some godforsaken reason you go home with makeup on the collar, lipstick, or a woman’s scent...break down and tell her you went to a strip joint with whoever and you are so sorry, and you had no idea that those aggressive woman came and pawed all over you like that, and you are so mad that so and so talked you into going. It's better than the alternative! (Often when seeing someone new…I’ll be the man in black. Black shirt, black pants….I don’t need any lipstick on that white shirt of mine….WC)
In my licensed hand gun course, the police instructor told us to live our lives on yellow alert...never let yourself lax into green mode. This is so true for the married hobbyist. You must always be on guard, aware of what's going on around you, and to expect the unexpected. You must be ready to have excuses for things, explain things, and lie about things...sometimes very quickly without any forethought or preparation. Have explanations for your whereabouts. What are you going to do when your kid has something going on at school and requires your immediate attention and your wife and your boss can't find you? You need preplanned, plausible explanations for things like this. You must be prepared to explain away everything...a phone call, phone #'s, the memory in your cell phone, computer data, phone bills, credit card receipts, a call from the flower shop about your order, slips of paper god forbid, bank statements, unusual cash withdrawals etc, etc. Be ready for this type of shit because when confronted, if you can't quickly and reasonably explain it away, then all hell is about to break loose.
Hopefully your wife has no reason to suspect now. If something occurs to make her wonder, then her antennae will go up. A married woman with her antennae up is very, very dangerous. She starts seeing and noticing things that she did not before...she also starts looking for evidence...everywhere. She will first suspect an affair. This is major hiatus time from the hobby...you haven't been busted, but she thinks something isn't right. This is not good, but you aren't caught yet. (Again….if her antenna are up……you need to take a break from the hobby…why risk her digging deeper when you are active in the hobby….WC)
2. DO NOT VARY YOUR GENERAL LIFE PATTERNS AND HABITS.
The 1st time I met Caddyman he said that this was the most important thing. The 1st time I met ******** he said the same thing. I agree with them.
Depending on how long you have been married, you have established patterns and habits in your life that the wife is familiar and comfortable with. The longer you have been married the more ingrained these patterns are...do not alter these. You MUST build your hobby time around these life patterns. If you don't go out weeknights with the buddies, then you can't hobby then and blame it on that. If you are always accessible on Saturday afternoon, then you can't start disappearing at that time. If you start changing the way you do things to accommodate the hobby, then her antennae will go up, and you are going to get into trouble.
You also cannot change your patterns around her personally. If you don't give her flowers and gifts as a pattern, then don't start now just because you are having hobby guilt trips. She will know something is up. On the other hand you can't become distant, cold, quiet, or angry...this will make her wonder as well...keep your normal demeanor. ABSOLUTELY do not start having less sex at home than you normally do... and you're busted for sure if you do that. She will be like, "Well, he's needed it 2 to 3 times a week from me for the past 10 years, and now last month we went 2 weeks without and it's happened again this month...he's f**king someone!" Game over.
(Don’t start having more sex with her. The hobby can really start the hormones flowing again and suddenly you might want to relive some of that provider excitement with the SO. Don’t do it! Got this right off of Oprah’s TV show…”Men suddenly wanting more sex are very suspect for having an affair” Your SO probably watches Oprah…reads the ladies magazines etc……If you have sex with the SO once a week, once a month….don’t change your habits! WC)
3. IF YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE A BEARD, THEN GET ONE...HE'S THE GUY YOU BLAME EVERYTHING ON.
I have a close friend who beards for me and vice versa. A "beard" is the person who covers for you, who runs interference for you, the person you blame anything and everything on. He's the guy you hide behind. My beard and I have hobbyed together, but it's really not his bag...he goes the girlfriend and one night stand route. The beard situation can be preplanned between you both or a last minute excuse. I'll call him and tell him, "ok, we're having drinks from 4pm to 6pm at xxxx" and he'll say, "no problem, have fun, you're covered." I'll get a voicemail on my cell phone from him that says, "ok, I know you won't here this until tomorrow, but it's 1am and we went to xxxx restaurant and then went to xxxx and shot pool all night. Thanks!"
One of my biggest fears in the hobby is that I have a car wreck, or my car is stolen at an incall location. What the hell am I going to tell the police, the wife and the insurance guy as to why in hell I was at a Budget Suite parking lot in Lewisville at 2 in the afternoon? Whatever it is, it will all be blamed on my beard...he and I will come up with something plausible and blame it on him. In the top drawer of my office desk is a manila envelope with my beard's name on it. In this folder is all of my hobby information. My beard has permission and instructions that if I die unexpectedly he is to enter my office, destroy that envelope, and erase all incriminating evidence from my computer. Her grief will be bad enough as it is without finding out about that stuff posthumously.
4. DENY! DENY! DENY!
Unless your wife walks in a room and sees you copulating with another woman, then she doesn't know for certain that you have done this...UNLESS YOU CONFESS! The following statement will astound some of you. There are married guys in the hobby that are so guilt ridden for what they are doing, that they actually WANT to get caught.(they may or may not be consciously aware of this) This is the only thing in their lives that they keep from their wife; their one big lie, and it grates on them. They are good husbands, fathers, and wage earners (I was going to say providers, but that looked funny), but they have this "dark side" of their life and it eats at them. If confronted or accused by the wife of sleeping with someone else, these are the first guys to fold...quick as a wink... fess up to all of it. If this even remotely describes you, then I strongly urge you to reconsider your participation in the hobby. Trust me, for you type guys it's not a matter of "if", but simply "when." The married guys that last in this hobby are the ones who can totally separate their 2 lives...put it in a box and forget about it until it's time to open the box again.
Never admit anything. Lie, lie, lie. Make up excuses, blame your beard, whatever...just never tell her. If she didn't see you with her own eyes, then she doesn't know.
The above 4 things have worked for me for 20 years. DallASPfan wrote a similar thread awhile back and I would appreciate someone putting a link to that here.
Be prepared and expect the unexpected.
My advanced primer at a later date will include such topics as "how to pull off an overnight, multiple day or out of town session without getting caught", and "what to do if a provider falls for YOU." I will briefly say a few words on the latter. I strongly reccomend that you do not accept "freebies." I'm not talking about paying for one hour and staying 3 or 4 hours...that's different, that's YMMV. I'm talking about free sessions, even her calling you to come over. Guess what? She's become a girlfriend of sorts and girlfriends have expectations, hopes and demands. For the married guy this is a recipe for disaster.
And to you single guys that occasionally say that once you meet your SO you will never hobby again...walk SEVERAL miles and years in our shoes and come back and see me. Monogamy ain't for everybody.
Have fun...it is fun...but if you want to stay married, then be smart.
I hope this helps some of you.
I will close with a line from a song by Earth, Wind and Fire.
"Every man has a place...in his heart there's a space...where the world can't erase his fantasies..."
PS. The writer did not bring this up….probably because it was too basic. Do you already have a hobby phone and hobby e-mail address? If not…GET ONE NOW… there are many, MANY reasons why you need one.
Hope this has made you think some, I know it helped me. I’m STILL LEARNING….so hopefully people can add things that they have learned. Woody Originally Posted by Guest080311
