Naughty Laughs

I've been reading sex jokes and I wanted to share. My threAd of the week

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Q. When is a man most intelligent; before, during, or after sex?
A. During because he's plugged up to the knowledge source.

Q.How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A. If she has to chew before she can swallow.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Q: What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day? A: We're Closed, Beat It!

Q: What's the smallest hotel in the world? A: a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside.

Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: What do you call it when a guy cums in his hands, then claps?
A: a baby shower!

Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That’s okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car!"

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied men! But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man..!

LOL!! Feel free to add more.

Lolz, good ones, Malaya!

No rates or contact info ....... NOT a ThreAd !
Some funny one's in there !

Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

--

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

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Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can

--

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

--

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

The Queen of England was touring a veteran's hospital, when she happened by a room where a man was sitting on the edge of his bed masturbating. "Heaven's!" she exclaimed, "What is going on here?" The tour guide looked and gasped, then closed the door and explained, "This man has a condition where his body over-produces semen, and if he doesn't release some every few hours, he could have a rupture. "Oh", the Matriarch replied, relieved at the explanation.

As they continued their tour, she passed by another room where a nurse was enthusiastically performing oral sex on another patient, also sitting on the edge of his bed. "Oh My God!" the Stateswoman gasped, "And how do you explain this...situation??" Again the tour guide peered into the room, then closed the door. "My lady, my apologies. This man actually has the exact same condition, only a better HMO."

Q: What do condoms and coffins have in common?
A: They both hold stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A: A lawyer will keep screwing you once you die.

Q: What do you call two nuns and prostitute?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.


A man calls into work and says, "Boss, I just can't come in today. I am horribly congested and have a sore throat."
The boss says, "Whenever that happens, I just go and have sex with my wife and my symptoms clear up in an instant. Why don't you give it a try."
A few hours later the man shows up at work happy as can be and says, "Hey boss, you're right! That really did do the trick. By the way, you have a really nice house!"

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, You're a surgeon, aren't you? Yeah, how did you know? The man says, I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. Oh, that makes sense, says the woman. Youre an anesthesiologist aren't you? Yeah, says the man, a bit surprised. How did you know? The woman answers, Because I didn't feel a thing.



I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.



Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.



I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

LOL!!

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, You're a surgeon, aren't you? Yeah, how did you know? The man says, I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. Oh, that makes sense, says the woman. Youre an anesthesiologist aren't you? Yeah, says the man, a bit surprised. How did you know? The woman answers, Because I didn't feel a thing.



I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.



Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.



I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. Originally Posted by DDMcGee

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
Him: "I was out getting a tattoo."
Her: "A tattoo?" "What kind of tattoo did you get? "
Him: "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
Her: "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
Him: "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . .
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . . .
Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . .
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

.............................. .

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

............................

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
.............................. .....

A blonde goes into the Western Union office and says to the clerk, "I need to get a message to my mother in New York city quickly, so how much?"
"Well that will be $80.00," he tells her.
"$80.00!" she exclaims, "I don't have nearly that much money in my purse. Please help me out. I will do anything you want if you let me contact my mom."
"Anything," he asks.
"Yes, anything," she replies.
So he instructs her to go with him to the back room. He then says to her, "Kneel down." The blonde obeys.
Then he says, "Unzip my pants."
The blonde obeys.
Then he says to her, "Take it out."
The blonde does as she's told and impatiently asks, "When can I contact my mom?"
The man replies, "Soon. I will let you talk to your mom but first put it next to your mouth."
The blonde does as she's told and says, "HELLO, MOM!"

A man with a painful erection that will not subside goes to his local pharmacy. The pharmacist behind the counter is female and, being embarrassed by his condition, the man asks if there is a male pharmacist on duty. She replies that she and her sister own the pharmacy and are the only ones available. Needing help he explains his condition and drops his trousers to show her. He asks, "What can you give me for this?"

The sister has heard the conversation and comes out in time to see the man's engorged member. The two sisters step aside and confer. One comes back and says, "We'll give you 3 meals a day, a place to sleep, and half interest in the pharmacy."

Hey Malaya.....I be bumpin' yo threads in coed

I think this one is quite funny(:

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says

"See honey - its not that hard."

Love them all....

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who spent their honeymoon belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

LOL we need to go shopping and funny joke

Hey Malaya.....I be bumpin' yo threads in coed

I think this one is quite funny(:

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says

"See honey - its not that hard." Originally Posted by XOXO Karla

LOL we need to go shopping and funny joke Originally Posted by Malaya

Maybe tea time again or Chinese?
Regents hunan restaurant on Babcock and Huebner is the best.....I love the hot and sour soup

Oh!! Staying on topic, a friend of mine said to me yesterday "What happened to Miley Cyrus? She used to be such an innocent lil' county girl...now she's such a hooker." Hehe I laughed...happens all the time

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who spent their honeymoon belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

Originally Posted by Mokoa

Funny Mokoa, but...do people REALLY use petroleum jelly?