I'm a provider who also provides BDSM services. It became an interest of mine BEFORE I began providing, so it wasn't just to make another buck.. just to clear the air.
Anyhoo, I'm a Domme, that like most of all, is dominate naturally. Even in my vanilla sessions, I have a leading, sometimes aggressive kinda nature. I could never see Myself being submissive, except for in an acting, PSE kinda way during vanilla sessions.If that makes sense Never totally sub, just some activities, ie. spanking, DT, you get the idea.
Lately though, I've been seeing a hobbyist who has made Me reconsider.
He came to Me in a vanilla setting, but is also very dominate, both naturally and sexually.
We have a connection, and I trust him, to the same fault of anyone else I am very familiar with, to not harm me and respect My limits. By very familiar I mean 15 or more meetings within a short period of time.
Our sessions together are always incredible. More and more, they are becoming S&M oriented, Me being sub! and I cannot lie, I enjoy it. Very intense, and becoming even more so.
KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER DONE THIS WITH, but the whole thing has Me reconsidering My stance. I would consider ading as a switch, but I see pros and cons to this...
As far as some activities, ( bondage mainly ), I would only allow if I have established that rapport with, and feel as if I could trust them session time.
I've had other Doms tell me that the D/s switch makes you an even better Domme, but My issue is that I don't want to not be taken seriously as a Domme, as that is the majority personality in Me. I am experienced and knowledgeable at what I do, and always want to be regarded as such. I don't want to lose the respect and confidence that I have already cultivated in My current subbies, but switching My MO. Not pun intended..
Sometimes it does feel better to relinquish control to another...
So I would love to hear what thoughts you guys have on the subject, sub and Dom.
- Hot to Trot Daphne
- 07-13-2010, 02:11 AM
- Krunkman
- 07-13-2010, 08:55 AM
It sounds like you are falling into the same silly trap that many dominants (and some submissives) fall into... the dreaded third-rail of BDSM - the switch!
You are probably going to get a lot of opinions, but the one bit of advice I received from a very knowledgable lady who has been in the BDSM field for a long time and is very well respected (you might have heard of her...her name is Midori). That advice is do what you feel like doing and what makes you and your partner happy. The entire reason most of us do this is for pleasure, whether that be from dominating or submitting. Doesn't really matter. We all have our needs to please and be pleased, and there are many, many, many ways and outlets.
There isn't anything wrong in being one with with one person, but different with another. Isn't that which we do all based on personal connections? With some of those you play with you might feel the exhiliaration of domination, secure in your need to take the power from the other person because they want you to. With another you might feel the opposite. And yet with another you may feel it ebb and flow between the two of you throughout your session. And the bottom line is there is nothing wrong with that!
Usually, though not without exception, dominants feel that if they show any sort of weakness or submissive tendencies, that their position as a dominant is threatened. I personally find it very funny that a dominant is too scared/reluctant/whatever to know what its like to be on the receiving end of what they are giving (to be fair, I find it just as funny for the opposite with submissives scared of topping).
From the way you are wording your statement, it would appear that we need to address the terminology. We are tossing around the words dominant and submissive, but we haven't really addressed the middle ground of topping and bottoming. Dominance and submission are usually deeply rooted needs within a person's psyche. Topping and bottoming are probably more along the lines of what you are seeking/wanting. It sounds to me that you feel your dominance is threatened by the pleasure you are experiencing from bottoming to your client. But they really aren't linked quite that way.
When you top, you are performing the role of the dominant. Guiding the scene, taking control, doing things to your bottom. But what is missing is the drive/need to be dominant. Sure, you may feel the desire surge while you are sceneing, but when the scene is over, that desire probably fades away. It wouldn't do so in a dominant. The need might be sated, but it's still there. And the same goes for being the bottom. What you are experiencing is the pleasure of being on the opposite end of the scenes you typically do. It sounds like its new and exciting to you. And that has you worried because the feelings are opposite of what you think you are supposed to feel.
And therein lies the rub. You (erroneously) think that somehow bottoming would make you somehow less as a dominant. Which is wrong. It just makes you a pleasure seeker. You can still enjoy and be who you are, but now you have more avenues of pleasure to seek. If you encounter people in the scene who would look "down" on any dominant who bottomed, then you have found people who really know nothing about the lifestyle or what it is that we do. Unfortunately they do exist in the lifestyle, though most people who know things about BDSM realize that the opinions of people like that count for very little.
And as for losing the respect of submissives (hate the term subbies...) who might find out about your bottoming, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The good ones will realize what it is. And those that cannot understand you are probably better off without them.
You are probably going to get a lot of opinions, but the one bit of advice I received from a very knowledgable lady who has been in the BDSM field for a long time and is very well respected (you might have heard of her...her name is Midori). That advice is do what you feel like doing and what makes you and your partner happy. The entire reason most of us do this is for pleasure, whether that be from dominating or submitting. Doesn't really matter. We all have our needs to please and be pleased, and there are many, many, many ways and outlets.
There isn't anything wrong in being one with with one person, but different with another. Isn't that which we do all based on personal connections? With some of those you play with you might feel the exhiliaration of domination, secure in your need to take the power from the other person because they want you to. With another you might feel the opposite. And yet with another you may feel it ebb and flow between the two of you throughout your session. And the bottom line is there is nothing wrong with that!
Usually, though not without exception, dominants feel that if they show any sort of weakness or submissive tendencies, that their position as a dominant is threatened. I personally find it very funny that a dominant is too scared/reluctant/whatever to know what its like to be on the receiving end of what they are giving (to be fair, I find it just as funny for the opposite with submissives scared of topping).
From the way you are wording your statement, it would appear that we need to address the terminology. We are tossing around the words dominant and submissive, but we haven't really addressed the middle ground of topping and bottoming. Dominance and submission are usually deeply rooted needs within a person's psyche. Topping and bottoming are probably more along the lines of what you are seeking/wanting. It sounds to me that you feel your dominance is threatened by the pleasure you are experiencing from bottoming to your client. But they really aren't linked quite that way.
When you top, you are performing the role of the dominant. Guiding the scene, taking control, doing things to your bottom. But what is missing is the drive/need to be dominant. Sure, you may feel the desire surge while you are sceneing, but when the scene is over, that desire probably fades away. It wouldn't do so in a dominant. The need might be sated, but it's still there. And the same goes for being the bottom. What you are experiencing is the pleasure of being on the opposite end of the scenes you typically do. It sounds like its new and exciting to you. And that has you worried because the feelings are opposite of what you think you are supposed to feel.
And therein lies the rub. You (erroneously) think that somehow bottoming would make you somehow less as a dominant. Which is wrong. It just makes you a pleasure seeker. You can still enjoy and be who you are, but now you have more avenues of pleasure to seek. If you encounter people in the scene who would look "down" on any dominant who bottomed, then you have found people who really know nothing about the lifestyle or what it is that we do. Unfortunately they do exist in the lifestyle, though most people who know things about BDSM realize that the opinions of people like that count for very little.
And as for losing the respect of submissives (hate the term subbies...) who might find out about your bottoming, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The good ones will realize what it is. And those that cannot understand you are probably better off without them.
- Hot to Trot Daphne
- 07-13-2010, 09:35 AM
[
It sounds like you are falling into the same silly trap that many dominants (and some submissives) fall into... the dreaded third-rail of BDSM - the switch!Krunkman I love it when we speak. You shed some much needed light on those topics I have the most questions about.
You are probably going to get a lot of opinions, but the one bit of advice I received from a very knowledgable lady who has been in the BDSM field for a long time and is very well respected (you might have heard of her...her name is Midori). That advice is do what you feel like doing and what makes you and your partner happy. The entire reason most of us do this is for pleasure, whether that be from dominating or submitting. Doesn't really matter. We all have our needs to please and be pleased, and there are many, many, many ways and outlets.So true, as i thought I knew but am learning more and more every season...
There isn't anything wrong in being one with with one person, but different with another. Isn't that which we do all based on personal connections? With some of those you play with you might feel the exhiliaration of domination, secure in your need to take the power from the other person because they want you to. With another you might feel the opposite. And yet with another you may feel it ebb and flow between the two of you throughout your session. And the bottom line is there is nothing wrong with that! whew
Usually, though not without exception, dominants feel that if they show any sort of weakness or submissive tendencies, that their position as a dominant is threatened. I personally find it very funny that a dominant is too scared/reluctant/whatever to know what its like to be on the receiving end of what they are giving (to be fair, I find it just as funny for the opposite with submissives scared of topping).
From the way you are wording your statement, it would appear that we need to address the terminology. We are tossing around the words dominant and submissive, but we haven't really addressed the middle ground of topping and bottoming. Dominance and submission are usually deeply rooted needs within a person's psyche. Topping and bottoming are probably more along the lines of what you are seeking/wanting. It sounds to me that you feel your dominance is threatened by the pleasure you are experiencing from bottoming to your client. But they really aren't linked quite that way.
When you top, you are performing the role of the dominant. Guiding the scene, taking control, doing things to your bottom. But what is missing is the drive/need to be dominant. I would have to disagree with you here, and therein lies the pickle. When it comes those who I do play with be it personal or hobbying, I do feel that drive to dictate. To be worshipped over and pleased, to My behest. Not just when sceneing
Sure, you may feel the desire surge while you are sceneing, but when the scene is over, that desire probably fades away. It wouldn't do so in a dominant. The need might be sated, but it's still there. And the same goes for being the bottom. What you are experiencing is the pleasure of being on the opposite end of the scenes you typically do. It sounds like its new and exciting to you. And that has you worried because the feelings are opposite of what you think you are supposed to feel. Very true.
And therein lies the rub. You (erroneously) think that somehow bottoming would make you somehow less as a dominant. Which is wrong. It just makes you a pleasure seeker. You can still enjoy and be who you are, but now you have more avenues of pleasure to seek. If you encounter people in the scene who would look "down" on any dominant who bottomed, then you have found people who really know nothing about the lifestyle or what it is that we do. Unfortunately they do exist in the lifestyle, though most people who know things about BDSM realize that the opinions of people like that count for very little.
And as for losing the respect of submissives (hate the term subbies...) sorry, just shorter who might find out about your bottoming, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The good ones will realize what it is. And those that cannot understand you are probably better off without them. Originally Posted by Krunkman
- Guest032514-1
- 07-13-2010, 09:44 AM
Roll with it. sweetie.
I started as a submissive. Submitting is not something I do lightly or easily. I can agree to submit. Lord knows, I kissed a lot of frogs (and toads and amphibian body parts) until I found my prince. I have submitted to many.
I have been Mastered by one.
There is always, always, always one that breaks all your preconceptions; shakes your foundations; distorts your outlook and just rocks your world in general. And they are always the best ones - those exceptions to our rules.
Who knows or understands where those crazy sparks between two people come from? And he has to be good at "topping" to get you to "bottom for him.
Enjoy the hell out of it, learn from it, use it and did I say enjoy it?
I started as a submissive. Submitting is not something I do lightly or easily. I can agree to submit. Lord knows, I kissed a lot of frogs (and toads and amphibian body parts) until I found my prince. I have submitted to many.
I have been Mastered by one.
There is always, always, always one that breaks all your preconceptions; shakes your foundations; distorts your outlook and just rocks your world in general. And they are always the best ones - those exceptions to our rules.
Who knows or understands where those crazy sparks between two people come from? And he has to be good at "topping" to get you to "bottom for him.
Enjoy the hell out of it, learn from it, use it and did I say enjoy it?
- Krunkman
- 07-13-2010, 10:32 AM
Thanks for the kind words Daphne. I have been around the lifestyle way before I even knew it existed or what the words and terms where for what I was thinking/feeling. Since getting out into it I've met and made friends with some really wonderful and insightful people (and many who were less than insightful and ugly..bleh).
One thing I've learned is that no matter what everyone else says, ya gotta do what works best for you. It's always nice when our path lies within the same path as the "herd"... but if your path takes you away from everyone else, so be it.
"When you top, you are performing the role of the dominant. Guiding the scene, taking control, doing things to your bottom. But what is missing is the drive/need to be dominant. I would have to disagree with you here, and therein lies the pickle. When it comes those who I do play with be it personal or hobbying, I do feel that drive to dictate. To be worshipped over and pleased, to My behest. Not just when sceneing"
Here I wasn't differentiating between playing with clients and playing for fun. I was simply trying to give an explanation to my reasoning. Topping, from the outside view at least, is equivalent to dominating. Only the people inside of the scene know the difference, and really its the person doing the topping that knows best their own internal drivers. From what you say here, I would say that you identify as dominant all the time. And when you play with the gentleman in question, you aren't truly submitting, you are simply bottoming. You are enjoying the sensations of what is happening, but inside you still have the dominant feeling towards the world. Does that make more sense?
One thing I've learned is that no matter what everyone else says, ya gotta do what works best for you. It's always nice when our path lies within the same path as the "herd"... but if your path takes you away from everyone else, so be it.
"When you top, you are performing the role of the dominant. Guiding the scene, taking control, doing things to your bottom. But what is missing is the drive/need to be dominant. I would have to disagree with you here, and therein lies the pickle. When it comes those who I do play with be it personal or hobbying, I do feel that drive to dictate. To be worshipped over and pleased, to My behest. Not just when sceneing"
Here I wasn't differentiating between playing with clients and playing for fun. I was simply trying to give an explanation to my reasoning. Topping, from the outside view at least, is equivalent to dominating. Only the people inside of the scene know the difference, and really its the person doing the topping that knows best their own internal drivers. From what you say here, I would say that you identify as dominant all the time. And when you play with the gentleman in question, you aren't truly submitting, you are simply bottoming. You are enjoying the sensations of what is happening, but inside you still have the dominant feeling towards the world. Does that make more sense?
- Hot to Trot Daphne
- 07-13-2010, 11:03 AM
PLENTY.
- Hot to Trot Daphne
- 07-13-2010, 02:40 PM
Roll with it. sweetie.babee, yes lol you did, and I will heed your advice. I know it might not work with everyone that I try it with, but I will take lessons learned as just that. And I will enjoy the ride!
I started as a submissive. Submitting is not something I do lightly or easily. I can agree to submit. Lord knows, I kissed a lot of frogs (and toads and amphibian body parts) until I found my prince. I have submitted to many.
I have been Mastered by one.
There is always, always, always one that breaks all your preconceptions; shakes your foundations; distorts your outlook and just rocks your world in general. And they are always the best ones - those exceptions to our rules.
Who knows or understands where those crazy sparks between two people come from? And he has to be good at "topping" to get you to "bottom for him.
Enjoy the hell out of it, learn from it, use it and did I say enjoy it? Originally Posted by babee
I know that sometimes Sheeda ( that's what I call my dominant side) will always be there,and will want to rear her head every now and then... We might even have a tug of war or wrestling match to see who prevails, but I'm ready for that too
- Hot to Trot Daphne
- 07-15-2010, 10:44 PM
Ok guys.. I know my thread probably sucked, partially because I didn't want to broach some of the underlying issues that I felt may have been a little too telling for public forum. Obviously I wasn't the only one, because I got quite a few PMs. Thanks everybody for your input, it is much appreciated.
- houston_switch
- 07-18-2010, 02:49 PM
I am a switch, but like to receive more than give... I think it is a power exchange thing...
Be happy and enjoy whatever you are playing with... all play should be fun, maybe a bit of work, but all fun and pleasurable for all players.
Be happy and enjoy whatever you are playing with... all play should be fun, maybe a bit of work, but all fun and pleasurable for all players.