Dirty Jokes

A guy comes home from work early and catches another man screwing his wife.

"HEY!", he yells, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?".

The wife says to the man, "See? I TOLD you he was stupid!"...






A drunk gets on an elevator with a prim-looking businesswoman.

After a couple minutes, the drunk says, "Hey, lady...can I smell your feet?".

"Absolutely NOT!", she says.

"Hmmm", the drunk says, "I guess it must be your snatch!"...

This is kind of an old and stupid "riddle" but here it goes...

There's a fly hovering about 6" above the water. There's this fish that sees the fly and thinks to himself "if that fly drops about 6" to the water I'll swim up and eat the fly and that'll be my lunch.

There's this bear hiding in the bushes next to the lake who sees the fly and the fish and he thinks to himself "if that fly drops about 6" to the water, the fish will swim up and eat the fly, I'll catch and eat the fish and that will be my lunch."

There's this hunter that sees the bear, the fish and the fly and he thinks to himself "if that fly drops about 6" to the water, the fish will swim up to eat the fly, the bear will come out of the bushes to eat the fish and I'll shoot the bear and that will be my hunt for the day"

There's this mouse that sees a sandwich in the pocket of the hunter and all of the rest and he thinks to himself "if that fly falls about 6 inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and the hunter's sandwich will fall out of his pocket so I can run and take and eat the sandwich and that will be my lunch."

There's this cat on the branch of a tree above the lake who sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter and his sandwich and the mouse and he thinks to himself " if that fly drops about 6", the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and his sandwich will drop to the ground, the mouse will come out for the sandwich, I will jump and eat the mouse, and that will be my lunch"

What happened you say????

Well, the fly dropped 6" to the water, the fish ate the fly, the bear caught and ate the fish, the hunter shot and killed the bear and his sandwich fell on the ground, the mouse ran and ate the sandwich and the cat fell in the water.

The moral of the story is, every time a fly drops 6", a pussy gets wet!

Kinda stupid but I find it funny, :P

An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body. The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical impulses. The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system. Finally after hearing the civil engineers arguments, both the mechanical and electrical engineer both agreed that god must be a civil engineer, for who else would run a sewer system through a recreational area!

Ok, I'll bite. But it's pretty racist. FAIR WARNING !

So this black guy, walking down the street, finds this rusty lamp. He picks it up, and wipes it clean, and a Jewish genie comes out and says you get three wishes - think carefully".

So the brother thinks for a good bit. And says ...

I've been black all my life, and I know I can do better for myself if I were white. So #1 is I want to be white.

He thinks some more, and he says #2 is that I've got a small penis, so I want to be at least 6 inches long.

And #3 he says he does not even have to think. He's not had any in a while. So he says he wants to be between a woman's legs.

So now the genie then thinks for a min. POOF - turns the guy into a tampon.

Moral of the story: you can't get anything from a Jew without strings attached.

OK OK I have a few...And they are cheesy!

If you have sex 365 times a year (lol) and you melted all the condoms down to make a tire, what would you call it? A goodyear...I know cheesy,lol

Big bad wolf told little red riding hood to lift up her top so he can suck her tits, she says no while lifting hher skirt, eat me like the book says!

OK thats it, I tried lol

Little Johnny is in math class. The teach has a problem for the class.

She says in a farmer's field there are two birds on a fence. The farmer shoots one how many are left?

Johnny..raising his hand high but she tries to ignore him and pick on someone else because he's typically trouble. No one else raises their hand so she picks Johnny. He says 0.

She holds up two fingers and says no Johnny explaining and taking one finger down..no this isn't a middle finger joke and again asks how many birds are left.

Johnny repeats again 0. She asks him to explain his answer.

Johnny says well when the farmer shoots his gun and kills one bird the other one will fly off.

She says..well technically that's not correct ut I like the way you think.

Johnny then asks the teacher if he can ask ask her a riddle. She reluctantly says yes.

He says to her. You're walking through the park and you see 3 ladies on a bench with lolli pops. One is licking it, the second one is sucking it and the 3rd one is biting it. Which one is married. The teacher thinks for a second and hesitantly says "the one sucking the lollipop?"

Johnny smiles and replies. No Silly. The one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think!